mommyland

Fable Lately

2012-01-09T12:00:00.002-05:00

She is 18 months old, and going on 13. If you ask her, she'll tell you she's five. "Fiiife!"

She's putting words together. "Help, please!" And she gestures for me to follow and says, "~~C'mon~~ Mon, mama!" She knows and understands words like hungry, hot and cold. At her well check today, the pediatrician said she is speaking at a 2 year level.

She knows ABC. Not the whole alphabet, just ABC. And sometimes, D.

Fantastic Mr. Fox is her favorite movie. She would watch it every day if we let her. Of course, we don't. And the day she says "cluster cuss" will be the last day she ever sees Mr. Fox.

She will eat most foods if dipped in ketchup or Nutella. If she doesn't like something, which is often, she'll spit it right out or throw it on the floor.

She is learning to use a fork and spoon, and being very independent, she no longer likes to be fed. She insists on feeding herself, but has trouble getting food onto the utensil to put in her mouth. So, she demands help with that part, but insists on taking over once the food is on the fork or spoon. Consequently, most of her clothes are stained with ketchup or Nutella (see above), and I've given up on keeping the floor under her chair clean.

She sometimes goes to bed with a small soccer ball or clutching a book.

She weighs 22 lb, 12 oz (25%) and she's 32" (55%) but I think they might have got her height wrong. I think she might be more like 31" or so. Either way, she is healthy, and I am so thankful.

Dear Fable

2011-12-23T15:27:00.003-05:00

Today we made sugar cookies. Actually, I made them and you ate them. Silly me, to think I might put something sweet within your reach and it wouldn't go straight into your mouth! First it was the dough. Then, you tried to eat the icing like soup with a spoon. That was when I gave up and finished decorating the cookies myself.

I think you liked them.

Dear Fable

2011-11-22T21:33:00.006-05:00

At 16-months, you're still not a consistent sleeper. You often wake in the night and require some attention before you'll go back to sleep. Or when I'm really tired, I just bring you to bed with us. Since you're always on the go when you're awake, I don't mind to sleep with you, quiet and still in my arms (on occasion).

And then there are nights when you sleep straight through, until 6:30 am! And even though you usually have to cry it out for a few minutes before you'll ever go to sleep in your crib, last night you only fussed a second, and tonight you didn't fuss AT ALL! Maybe you've finally learned to fall asleep on your own! JUST IN TIME FOR OUR TRIP THIS WEEKEND!

We're staying in a hotel, which means you'll spend half the night in your pack n play and half the night in bed with us. And we're driving and visiting with family, which means you'll nap in the car at odd hours. Which means that by the time we return home on Sunday, you'll be totally thrown off and back to crying it out and sleeping with us.

Oh well, we'll sleep again when we're old.

Fable Lately

2011-11-09T06:46:00.000-05:00

She has Elmo-radar. If there is an Elmo, she will find it, "Ehl-mo! Ehl-mo! Ehl-mo!" She carries around her very own little Elmo everywhere, and he sleeps with her every night.

I sneeze and she says, "Wesh-shoe!" She sneezes and she says, "Wesh-shoe!"

She knows six animal sounds: dog, cat, cow, horse, sheep and snake.

She'll carry her dirty diaper to the trash can and throw it away. She turns around and claps, so pleased with herself.

She closes her eyes for a few seconds as we pray before dinner, and says, "Aaaa-men!"

She signs, more, please, thank you, all done and water. Her signs for water and thank you look an awful lot like blowing kisses.

She can identify eyes, nose, mouth, ears, feet and head.

She puts her fingers together and raises her arms when I sing The Itsy-Bitsy Spider.

She steals my lip balm and hides it behind her back. She swipes the stick over her lips like mama.

Every day she is changing. She says a new word, responds to me, mimics me. She learns something new, discovers something new, delights in something new.

Dear Fable

2011-11-01T22:11:00.011-04:00

I'm sorry to say, your daddy started calling you "stinky" a long time ago, and it stuck. We call you "the stinkster" and many other names derived from "stinky." But of course we give you these pet names with all the love in our hearts, and it seemed only fitting to dress you as a skunk for Halloween! Not quite as "sweet" as last year, but so much fun.

We took you out in your costume three times. On Friday, we went with friends to a local shopping complex. On Sunday, we went to a Trunk or Treat at our church. Before we did any trick-or-treating ourselves, we passed out candy from our car. You loved giving candy to the other kiddos.

"One for you."

"One more for you."

"And one for you."

"Anyone else? Who wants candy?"

"Someone, please! Take this candy!"

On Monday we went around to a few houses in our neighborhood. You enjoyed carrying your candy bag and walking around the neighborhood. As the bag grew heavier, you took to dragging it along behind you.

You always said "Tank ooo!" and "Buh byeee!"

My polite little stinker.

Love you,

Mama

One Day

2011-10-20T19:40:00.000-04:00

I attempt to brush her teeth, and she clamps her mouth shut and shakes her head.

I put green beans on her plate and she throws them on the floor.

I tell her not to stand in the bath or the high chair or the shopping cart, and she smiles and does it anyway.

One day I'll tell her to be home by 10 and she'll roll her eyes.

One day I'll tell her to drive safely and she'll ignore me.

One day I'll tell her to call me when she gets there and she'll swear she forgot.

I only want to protect her. One day, when she's grown and has a child of her own, she'll understand. Like I do, now.

Fable Lately

2011-07-28T21:51:00.003-04:00

She brings a book, turns herself around and plops down in my lap. I read the first two words before she turns the page. "Brown bear... Red bird... Yellow duck..."

She reaches out her hands to hold our fingers as we pray before dinner. She looks at her daddy, then her mama, as we thank God for her and pray for patience and wisdom.

She leans in to give a kiss, "MMMMMMM-AH" as she presses her lips to mine.

She cruises along the couch, the walls, the bed, and then suddenly she's off, walking on her own. She makes it across the room before she falls. My big girl.

Dear Fable

2011-07-06T21:19:00.002-04:00

How can it be that you are already one? Wasn't it just yesterday that I was holding my brand new baby in my arms? But tonight, when I was giving you a bath, you stood in the tub completely unassisted for 5 long seconds, and I know you'll be walking before long. It's truly amazing how much you've grown and changed in one short year. I love that you can communicate with us by pointing when you want something. And you say a few simple words, though you're constantly babbling and I think you'll be quite a talker, like your daddy. He and I took the day off work today to celebrate you. I made waffles for breakfast and then we went to the pool. You LOVE the pool. You love the water, but mostly you love watching the older kids run around and play with their water toys. You want so badly to join them. Soon, little girl. Soon, you will. Much too soon.

Love you to the moon and back,

Mama

On Breastfeeding

2011-06-09T08:29:00.002-04:00

I nursed Fable to sleep last night, like I do every night, but when I put her down and left the room, she started crying. I let her cry for a few minutes, and then because I'm a sucker, I went in to rescue her. I picked her up, put her in my lap, her cheek against my chest, and we rocked. She immediately went quiet, and it wasn't long before I heard her deep, rhythmic breaths. And it struck me then, that I had comforted her without my boobs.

One more month until I begin weaning my little girl. I am so thankful and proud that we've made it this far, and while I have loved breastfeeding, I also look forward to holding my daughter just to hold her. As it is now, whenever she is in my arms, she wants to nurse. I love that she loves it, I really do. I love how she opens her mouth wide, holds my breast with both hands, and becomes instantly relaxed when she latches.

Yes, I will miss that. Very much.

Fable Lately

2011-06-02T08:20:00.006-04:00

She pulls herself up on the furniture, and makes her way around the room. She touches the sheepskin on the arm of the sofa and says, "Saaaaaaf."

She finds the remote control, points it toward the television and pushes the buttons, turning to an infomercial. Always an informercial.

She sees her reflection in a mirror and immediately pulls out the bow I had managed to clip in her hair an hour ago when she was distracted. Had she known it was there, she would have pulled it out an hour ago.

She has lots of toys, but she'd prefer to see what's in the kitchen cabinets or under the bathroom sink, or in any kind of bag, box, drawer or basket within reach. Or she'll sit at the top of the stairs, trying to work up the nerve to climb down to the basement.

She puts this teether or my Burt's Bees lip balm in her mouth and crawls around or lounges against a wall, drool spilling out of her mouth and making puddles in the carpet.

She watches Elmo's Song over and over and over. She smiles as she sways and bounces to the music. Every. Time.

She'll point to my nose when I ask her where her mama's nose is. I praise her and she squeals with delight. She also points to my nose when I ask her to find my ears and hair.

She sleeps through the night and naps in her crib. Sometimes.

She is more fun every day. So. Much. Fun.

#2

2011-05-17T19:41:00.000-04:00

Some days I think I'm ready to try for another baby. And then some days I think I'll be ready when Fable is old enough to have an after-school job.

I swore off birth control forever before we conceived Fable, when my periods were irregular, my body wasn't ovulating, and I didn't know if I'd ever see two lines on a pee-stick. But when we did conceive with a little help from Clomid, my story suddenly changed, and I said we'd wait to try for a second when our first was six months old. Fable is now ten months old, and while I'll never again take The Pill, or any other form of hormonal contraceptive, we are still taking "certain measures" to prevent pregnancy.

I'm just not ready for another child. I need to sleep through the night and past 6:30 am first. Maybe Fable needs to be able to feed herself, bathe herself, and dress herself first.

But what if our conception journey is long? What if my body has forgotten how to make a baby? Are we wasting precious time?

I do look forward to another pregnancy, another birth. I wonder if we'll have a girl or a boy. What he or she will look like. What we'll call him or her. I loved feeling my baby grow and move in my womb, and I loved carrying her with me at all times. Feeling her leave my body and holding her for the first time was amazing, I can't wait to experience that again.

Or, maybe I can.

MA-MA

2011-05-08T21:13:00.004-04:00

Just in time for Mother's Day, Fable has learned to say mama. Of course she doesn't know what she's saying, or that my heart explodes each time I hear her utter those two little syllables, but it does, my heart explodes. I just feel so blessed to be her mama.

It doesn't seem so long ago when Mother's Day was a difficult reminder of what I wasn't, and I can't help but think of all the ladies who are mourning the absence of life in their wombs today. I pray for peace for those hearts that are hurting.

On the move!

2011-04-29T17:28:00.003-04:00

Then and Now

2011-04-21T15:53:00.005-04:00

Then:

Now:

My, how quickly she grows.

40 Weeks, 4 Days

2011-04-16T22:26:00.003-04:00

Today my darling girl has been outside my womb {approximately} as long as she was in it. 40 weeks and 4 days. She is now 19 pounds and 2 ounces, 28 inches long, laughing, babbling, clapping, waving, sitting, standing, rolling, reaching, and just on the verge of crawling. She loves being naked, and would play in the bath for hours. Sleeping is not something she does so well, but we're working on it. She has two teeth, and they're both sweet. She'll only eat green veggies if they're mixed with fruit, and she LOVES these mixed berry yogurt snacks. She drinks water from from a sippy cup and eats 2-3 "solid" meals each day. She still loves to nurse and I cherish that time with her. She is changing so quickly, I'm just trying to keep up.

2011-04-16T15:56:00.004-04:00

Some days I think I should give up blogging. Because I rarely make the time for it anymore, and I often feel guilty for that. I still Twitter, and I record short daily notes on my phone, but I seldom have the energy or the enthusiasm to write a longer blog post.

But when I think about quitting, I go back and read old posts, and the memories and emotions come rushing back. And I am so thankful that I have those words to help me remember the details I would otherwise forget. And I know that I can't give up.

2011-03-11T21:14:00.009-05:00

My mom watched Fable for me this morning while I went to the gym. When I came home, I walked in the door, grabbed a package that had been mistakenly delivered to us, and quickly ran it over to our neighbor. My mom said that Fable started fussing as soon as I left, and so she had carried her over to the window so that Fable could see I wasn't actually leaving again, that I was just outside. As I came back in, Fable pushed her little body away from my mom and turned to me, arms outstretched.

And my heart exploded.

Clapping!

2011-02-21T17:00:00.001-05:00

V-Day

2011-02-14T21:27:00.005-05:00

V is for virus. The influenza virus, to be exact. It hit me first, last week, and now it has passed on to Fable. Her fever was 102 this morning, before we started ibuprofen. Not a very happy Valentine's Day around here.

Happy Monday

2011-02-07T22:08:00.001-05:00

2011-02-03T15:48:00.007-05:00

I said that I wanted to write more, and then my baby girl decided that sleeping through the night was so 2010. So now when I put her to bed, I put myself to bed shortly thereafter because I have no idea when she'll be awake again. Last night, she was only up once, around 1 am I think. And then she didn't wake again until 6:45 am. I like to think we can expect the same tonight, but I know better than that. Still, I am thankful for every night she does sleep well. Even when I'm exhausted, I love being her mama.

Dear Fable

2011-01-07T07:56:00.001-05:00

Your first Christmas has come and gone, and you are none the wiser. All you know is that there was a large tree in our living room (strange, I know), covered with the most beautiful lights and shiny trinkets. And you were allowed to play with lots of (wrapping) paper. Oh, and there have been more people around than usual, and all of them wanting to pinch your cheeks and tickle your belly.

That Fable, that was your first Christmas.

What you might have missed, is that we went over to see your Grampap and Grandma on Christmas Eve. There were great aunts and cousins there too, and they all brought you gifts. You humored us by tearing the wrapping paper, though you obviously didn't understand that the gift was hidden in the paper, not actually the paper itself.

After we left that night, we drove around to hunt for (the best/worst/most) Christmas lights and decorations. You of course fell asleep, but you were still there with us, along for the ride. Perhaps next year you'll enjoy this tradition a bit more.

On Christmas morning, you slept in, until 6:40 am (you've been waking closer to 6). Little did you know, Santa had visited us and left a present for you under the tree. He brought you Suzette the Fox. A week before Christmas, he also opened a college savings fund for you (you'll appreciate that more later). For breakfast, we had chocolate chip pancakes (well, your daddy and I did), and then you went to see your Grampap and Grandma again while your daddy and I went to see a movie. We all had dinner after the movie, and then we came home and put you to bed shortly thereafter.

As you grow older, and as our family (hopefully) expands, these are traditions I want to keep. The hunt for Christmas lights. Opening gifts and having a yummy breakfast on Christmas morning. A movie on Christmas day. I also want to make sugar cookies and snowflake garland. I want to drink hot cocoa and read to you about the birth of Jesus. And every year, you'll get an ornament. This year, you got your "Baby's First Christmas" ornament.

Oh, and I almost forgot to mention, it snowed on Christmas Eve! Your very first was a white Christmas!

Sleep Bank

2011-01-05T18:13:00.000-05:00

When you're pregnant, everyone tells you to "stock up on sleep." Toward the end of my pregnancy, I began to find this particularly annoying. As I said before, sleep isn't something you can store away for later, though admittedly, it'd be nice if it was.

This has become a bit of a joke between John and I, and after a few sleepless nights this week, we had this conversation via text when I learned a co-worker is expecting a girl, due in May.

Me: {My coworker} is having a girl.

John: Tell him to store up his sleep while he can!

Me: Dangit. Forgot to get my sleep out of storage this morning!

John: I grabbed three hours from the deep freezer. Feeling like a kid again.

Me: Thank goodness we stocked up on sleep before.

Dear Fable

2011-01-04T17:45:00.004-05:00

Even though you've decided you're over the whole sleeping through the night thing, even though you kept us up most of last night, even though I'm so tired I could cry, I still love you very very much. And I am just so thankful that you are healthy and happy.

xoxo,

Mama

{If you sleep eight hours tonight though, mama will buy you a pony!}

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-25T22:23:00.004-05:00

Pause

2010-12-22T20:40:00.005-05:00

Before Fable, I would often blog on my lunch break. Now that I only work part-time, I don't take lunch breaks, and when I'm home, I'm busy or too tired to write. The days are slipping away and I feel like life is on fast forward. I'm already starting to forget what Fable was like as a newborn, and I worry I'll forget what she's like now at five months old. She changes so quickly, by the time we recognize some pattern in her behavior, she's already outgrown it. I wish I could press pause, tuck the memories away in a box, to revisit whenever I'd like. And that is why I feel that I must write more. I must make the effort.

So, what is it Fable like at five months? She is a good baby. She is happy. She is sitting up, though she topples easily. The first time she sat up unassisted, we were all in bed and she was sitting in my lap. I removed my hands and she didn't immediately fall over. "Look, John! LOOK! She's sitting up!" Like she'd just solved her first differential equation. It felt to me like the first real marked milestone. The first tangible sign my little baby was growing up. Of course, there was the time she rolled from her tummy to her back too, but that was just the once and she hasn't done it since.

Almost as exciting as the sitting and the one time she rolled over, Fable is now really interested in her environment. She loves chewing on her Sophie and pressing the buttons on her walker. If I sit her on my lap while I eat, she grabs my plate, my cup, my napkin - whatever is in reach. She is fascinated by paper, or anything that makes noise really. I just love watching her explore, and I wish I could read her thoughts. I wonder what's going on in that sweet head of hers.

She's really talking now too. Really. Today she said, "Bla-bla-ba-dada-babla-uh-oh. Bla-ba-bla-blaaaaaa!" I just can't wait to hear her say, "Mama!"

2010-12-18T18:34:00.004-05:00

Fable isn't six months old, but I've already found the cake I'm going to {attempt to} make for her first birthday.

2010-11-29T14:28:00.001-05:00

Dear Fable

2010-11-06T23:42:00.005-04:00

Today, you are four months old. I can't believe how much you've already grown. You've gone from a sleepy little newborn to a joyful little baby. You love sitting up (with support, of course) and looking out at the world. You chew on everything - your hands, your blanket, your toy, my hair. Tonight you were sitting on my leg, trying to lean in to chew on my shirt. Your daddy and I couldn't stop laughing - again and again you'd throw yourself forward, mouth open wide. It was the cutest thing ever.

You still love sitting in your bouncer chair, and you loooove the activity mat. You kick your legs and make all sorts of noises. You shriek and squeal and coo and babble. I imagine what you're trying to say, and I talk back. We share secrets and tell stories. I narrate our daily life for you. I tell you all about what I'm doing, where we're going, and how to make the chili we're having for dinner. You look at me with those big blue eyes and smile. I tell you that I'll always love you, no matter what. And you can always tell me anything. And if you ever need a ride home from somewhere you weren't supposed to be, you call me. I'll rescue you, no questions asked. Even if you're only 15 and you told me her parents were home and you were going to the movies. You can call me.

Not that you would ever do such a thing, but Fable, I mean it.

xoxo,

Mama

Dear Fable

2010-11-06T21:57:00.005-04:00

For your first Halloween, we dressed you as cotton candy. As if you could be any sweeter.

I painted cotton batting and glued it to a plain onesie. I also made a little hair clip to complete the look.

We dressed you up and took you to a party. You were very good, even though we had you out close to your bedtime. You only stayed in costume a short time though, because you were trying to pull the cotton batting into your mouth. You really wanted to chew on that cotton. It must have looked good enough to eat.

So perhaps it wasn't the best costume idea, but you were so dang cute. So. Dang. Cute. And I loved making your costume. I think I'll make it a tradition.

xoxo,

Mama

Dear Fable

2010-11-05T16:23:00.008-04:00

Just over one year ago, I learned I was pregnant with you. I will never forget that moment. Standing there in the bathroom, preparing to receive a negative test result, having been through the routine before. So many times, I'd convinced myself I was pregnant only to waste another pregnancy test. But that Friday morning, the word "Pregnant" was clearly visible on the screen when I finally turned around and looked at it. I was pregnant! Pregnant! I had never felt such joy! Such excitement! And that was only the beginning. When you were born, I thought my heart would burst from the love. I love you more than I thought possible. You are my sweet girl, and I'm just crazy about you.

Love always,

Mama

2010-09-23T23:09:00.013-04:00

It's amazing how much changes in the first weeks of a baby's life. It seems like Fable was just born, and yet we've already gone through so many stages, she's changed so much in these eleven weeks, it seems like she's been with us forever. I talk about The Sleepless Nights like they were ages ago. But then wasn't it just last month that I said, if I could somehow get six solid hours of sleep, I'd be a new woman? And here I am tonight, daring to stay up and write a few words even though Fable has been off frolicking in slumberland for a full hour already. This is living on the edge.

For the first week of her life, we were told to wake Fable every three hours to feed her. I'd set an alarm, but it was often unnecessary. She'd sleep an hour, then a couple, then maybe a couple more. And then there were nights when she wouldn't sleep at all. One ~~night~~ morning I called my mom at 4:45 am to come and rescue us. She came over and held our sweet girl so that we could rest our eyes. But of course it was time to feed that sweet girl three short hours later.

The first time Fable slept four solid hours, I was afraid she'd stopped breathing. And then she slept six once, and I thought for sure something was wrong. In the beginning, there was no sleep pattern. Her longest stretch one night would be three hours, and the next night she'd sleep five. But then I'd notice she was sleeping longer and longer. Five hours one night. Six the next. Even seven! EIGHT! EIGHT WHOLE HOURS! (I'm almost afraid to admit it, but she's slept as much as NINE!)

I am now fairly confident that I can expect her to sleep about eight hours, so here I am, sacrificing sleep, throwing caution to the wind and thinking about how fast time is flying by. And how I need to soak in every second of every day so I don't forget a thing.

First Bath

2010-09-23T20:11:00.005-04:00

We gave Fable her first tub bath when she was three and a half weeks old.

She wasn't too sure of it at first.

She fussed a bit.

But then she calmed down, and watched us as we bathed her.

Rub-a-dub-dub, baby in the tub.

Back to Work

2010-09-13T22:19:00.003-04:00

Whoops, where did August go? I've not been writing much. I've been too busy kissing cheeks and nibbling on fingers and toes. And now my little dove is ten weeks old, and I'm returning to work tomorrow. It feels like the first day at a new school. Except instead of packing pens and paper, tonight I packed my breast pump and milk storage bottles. And even though I'm returning to work at the same company where I've been working for three years, tomorrow I'll be separated from my little girl for eight and a half whole hours, the longest we've been apart by far. I'm nervous and anxious, and most of all, feeling guilty.

The truth is, I don't really have to return to work. John has a very good job, making enough money to comfortably provide for our family. If I decided not to go back, John would fully support me. But I'm going back to work tomorrow because I can. Because I said I would. Because it's a good situation. I actually like the company I work for, my boss, and my coworkers. I am only going to be working part-time, just two days a week. And I'm leaving Fable with a friend. It's a good situation. I tell myself I have to at least give it a try. See how it goes.

But tomorrow, when my dove is upset, I won't be the one to comfort her. I won't be the one to feed her. She'll be in good hands, but they won't be mine. I'm going back to work part-time so that we can have a bit of discretionary income, so that I can get out of the house a bit and be around adults. That's what everyone tells me I'll need, adult conversation. But what about Ms. Fable? I like our conversations. Even if I do the talking for the both of us.

She's already been asleep now for close to forty minutes, so I really should scoot off to bed myself. The morning will come quickly, whether I like it or not. I know I'm feeling all sad and mopey tonight, but I'm sure I'll feel better once we've made it through one day. And truth be told, I'll likely miss her more than she misses me.

Fable,

I love you, my darling girl. And tomorrow I'll think of you often. I hope you won't be too upset that I'm not around, and I promise I'll come back for you as soon as I can. And then I'll hold you all night and you can tell me all about your day.

Love,

Mama

mommyspeak

2010-07-29T09:54:00.012-04:00

I often find myself speaking in the third person these days.

"Mama's coming, munchkin!"

"Will you smile for Mama?"

"Mama loves you, do you know that?"

And then I'll speak for my three-week-old daughter.

"What are you doing to me, Mama?"

"Stop kissing me, Mama!"

"Feed me, Mama!"

I find this mildly annoying, but I don't intend to do anything about it. Though I promise I'll stop speaking for her when she turns 18.

A Birth Story

2010-07-27T20:00:00.002-04:00

I was getting impatient. I was prepared for 40 weeks of pregnancy, but each additional day felt like an eternity. And so when the doctor said we could induce at any time, we decided that our desire to meet our daughter outweighed our desire for spontaneous labor. On Monday, July 5th, three days past our due date, we chose to evict our little one.

40 Weeks, 3 Days

We checked into the hospital at noon, after going home to grab my hospital bag and a snack. I was excited, nervous, still wondering if we had made the right decision, to induce. The doctor had said I was no longer at an increased risk for c-section, and even if we had given baby another week, there was no guarantee that she would come on her own. And I was growing weary of the false alarms. But were we rushing her? Was I being selfish? I posed these questions to John, but he reminded me, it was really too late. We had made our decision, we were in the room where our daughter would enter the world, and I was already wearing my sexy hospital gown. We were going to have a baby.

Things went quickly, at first. By 12:40 pm, I was receiving Pitocin though an IV drip. Then around 1 o'clock, a doctor came in to break my water. She used what looked like a long crochet hook to tear the bag of amniotic fluid. I felt quite a bit of pressure, some slight discomfort, and then a pop and release, warm fluid flooding the bed. A LOT of warm fluid. And after the initial gush, I continued to leak, and leak, and leak. That was unpleasant, as was peeing in a bed pan. Apparently you cannot get up to use the bathroom after they break your water. Now I know.

My contractions were not yet strong or consistent, so the doctor upped the Pitocin after breaking my water. And then we waited. I watched Bravo on TV and John read. I wasn't allowed to eat or drink, so I munched on ice in an effort to quench my thirst. Somewhere around 2 o'clock, I started experiencing what felt like really bad period cramps. Really, really, REALLY bad period cramps. After about three of those, I was paging the nurse, begging for drugs. Yes, I'm a wimp. And any woman who has endured a natural childbirth is my hero. Perhaps it would have been different if we hadn't induced, or if I'd prepared for the pain, but I was glad to have the epidural. My lower body felt immediately numb, and although I could feel pressure, feel my uterine muscle tightening with each contraction, I no longer felt any pain or discomfort. Nor could I feel much as the nurse examined me, and inserted a catheter (no more bed pan!). It was like magic.

My parents arrived while I was getting the epidural. No one was allowed in the room at the time, but once the anesthesiologist had done her job and the drugs were flowing, we all continued waiting together. I was just 2-3 cm, 80%, -2. We had a way to go.

The next few hours passed slowly. I was tired, but I could not sleep, so I twittered and posted updates to Facebook. I ate a few cherry popsicles since I couldn't eat anything else. By 6:30 pm, I was dilated 4 cm and 90% effaced. Some progress, finally! But my contractions were still inconsistent, so we upped the Pitocin again, and switched to an internal monitor for more accurate results. We had to increase the Pitocin once or twice more before the night was over. I could barely feel them, but John watched my contractions on the monitor, commenting on their duration and force, "That one was close to 70! One of your best contractions yet!"

By 10:30 pm, I was at 7 cm, 90%, -1. My teeth were chattering like it was the middle of winter in Minnesota, but I didn't actually feel cold. The nurse assured me this was normal. I did feel some sharp pain in my lower abdomen, right under the external monitor that was measuring baby's heart rate. I told the nurse, and someone came in to adjust my epidural. They injected something into my IV, and within minutes I could no longer feel the pain, or my legs. Whereas before I could still wiggle my toes, I could no longer feel or move anything below my waist. I'd have preferred to retain some feeling, but I was glad to be pain-free.

As we neared midnight, I was wearing out, and absolutely dying of thirst. All I wanted was a tall glass of ice water. Or a slice of watermelon. Watermelon sounded DELICIOUS. I tried chewing on ice, but I felt sick. I threw up those cherry popsicles shortly thereafter. Somehow, the nurse could tell from the monitor that I had vomited, and she came in to check me. She said many women throw up right before it's time to push. I was 9.75 cm dilated, 100% effaced, +1 station. Almost there.

By 1 am, it was time to push. My doctor was already at the hospital, delivering another baby via cesarean. The nurse prepped me while my doctor was finishing up. She explained that I would push for a count of 10, three times, with each contraction. My dad had left the room, but my mom and John would hold each leg back while I pushed. We brought in a mirror so that we could watch, if we felt so inclined. And then, I started pushing.

I pushed. And pushed. And pushed. For two hours, I pushed. I felt like my eyes would pop out of my head, or that my brain would explode, I pushed so hard. But I was also exhausted. I could barely open my eyes, and I was practically falling asleep between contractions. It was 3 am, and all of my pushing had done nothing. Baby was still lodged in the birth canal, and it felt like she would never come out. It was discouraging. I would push hard, and they'd all be cheering for me, like this was it. But then the contraction would pass, I'd look in the mirror, and see no sign of baby. My doctor told me that I could push another hour, and then we would have to either try suction and forceps, or we'd have to take baby via c-section. I did not want to have a c-section, not after two hours of pushing and the trauma already incurred down there, so I said I was willing to try suction and forceps when necessary. My mom could see how tired I was, and suggested that we go ahead and try the tools. I immediately acquiesced, knowing I couldn't go on much longer.

Suddenly there were three extra nurses in the room. We tried suction first. My doctor tried twice, I think, but could not get a good suction on baby's head. So we moved on to forceps. John said later that it was hard to watch, my doctor using what looked like metal salad tongs to pull on our baby's head with all her might. But it worked. Baby's head came out, and then we stopped. The cord was wrapped around her neck twice. My doctor worked fast, cutting the cord and then pulling baby out the rest of the way.

I remember the nurse telling me to look at the mirror, watching my stomach deflate, feeling her leave my body, and falling back on the bed, sobbing and shaking from a mixture of relief and exhaustion, and asking why my baby wasn't crying. My doctor said baby had been stunned by the birth, because we'd had to stop to cut the cord, but that she'd be fine. Through all of the bodies and equipment, I could see the nurses putting a tube down her throat. I closed my eyes and waited, and after a few long minutes, I heard her piercing screams. They told me that the forceps had scratched her cheek, but that she was healthy and beautiful. They finally placed her in my arms and I held tightly to my darling baby girl. My girl. My daughter. My Fable.

Fable Mariann

2010-07-07T18:34:00.004-04:00

Born 7.6.10, 3:28 am

7 pounds, 14 ounces

20 inches

Fable, because it's unique and feminine and whimsical. And it was a name we both agreed on. Long before we even conceived, I read it here, and of course, here, and I think it was always the name. We chose Mariann for her middle name, to honor her grandmothers, Mary and Anne.

I have finally arrived in Mommyland, and I love it here.

40 Weeks, AND 3 DAYS

2010-07-05T07:22:00.003-04:00

I really didn't think I'd be here, waiting for the baby past her due date. But I am here, 40 weeks and three days, and no signs of labor. Actually, there are signs. There are the contractions I've been experiencing for two weeks now, and on Friday afternoon, I lost my mucus plug. According to the American Pregnancy Association, after passing the mucus plug, labor could be hours, days or weeks away. WEEKS? How comforting.

I keep hearing that I should "rest up now" and "stock up on sleep" but, correct me if I'm wrong, sleep isn't something you can bank for later. I have been especially tired, so I've been napping more than I've ever napped in my life, but I am under no illusion that this will make those first sleepless nights any easier. Also, I'm over "enjoy[ing] these final days before the baby comes." John and I are two months shy of our third wedding anniversary, and I have loved our time together as a family of two. We've gone out for countless dinners and plays and movies. We've gone dancing and hiking and traveling in Europe. And now, we want to be parents.

We're going to the doctor this morning, and I wonder what she'll say. I last saw her two weeks ago, and she suggested we induce today. At the time, I wasn't ready to commit to an induction. I wanted to give the baby ample time to come on her own. But now I'm growing impatient. I don't want to rush her, but I'd like to evict this child before she weighs as much as I do.

I've gone back and forth in my mind...should we give her one more week? Or until Friday? Or Wednesday? Or should we go ahead and serve the eviction notice today? I want her to come when she's ready, but there are also risks associated with waiting, just as there are risks with inducing. But I'm not sure I can stand this suspense much longer. I know many women who were induced before they even reached the end of their 40 weeks, and they delivered perfectly healthy babies, vaginally.

I could go on and on. Ultimately, I want to do what's best for my child. And I think I should talk to my doctor to determine what that is.

40 Weeks

2010-07-02T16:00:00.000-04:00

38 Weeks, 5 Days

2010-06-23T20:07:00.006-04:00

2 cm, 70% effaced today. Feeling discouraged by that, although I'm not sure why. I'm not even to 39 weeks yet, and I know that baby has to come out eventually. And even if she comes late, that day is still so close. I am so close to meeting my little girl. I just need to be patient.

We discussed induction. I'd rather not induce, but if baby isn't out by 40 weeks, I think I'll be ready to consider it. So, we'll wait another week and see what happens. (Maybe this is why I'm feeling discouraged, thinking about induction. I'm really hoping we won't have to go that route.)

My belly measured small, but my doctor was not concerned since my fluid level was good just last week. Nor was she concerned that I dropped two pounds. My total weight gain is now 15 pounds. I promise I'm eating, so if my doctor is not worried, I'm not worried. But maybe I'll start eating ice cream for dinner every night. And Cinnamon Crunch bagels from Panera for breakfast.

I've been having lots of contractions, perhaps another reason for my feeling discouraged. Last Saturday, I was so sure that baby was on her way. The contractions were consistent, about 5-10 minutes apart. We timed them on our way to dinner with friends, and I thought we might not make it through the meal. But they never grew closer together, intensity did not increase, and I had no back pain or cramping. So, we had dinner, came home and went for a walk, and went to bed. At 3 am, I awoke to another bout of contractions, and again I thought it might be time to go to the hospital. But after thirty minutes, I fell asleep, so obviously, NOT labor. All day Sunday too, I had 5-6 contractions per hour. Still, no signs of true, baby-producing labor.

The contractions slowed on Monday. Then at work yesterday, I thought my water had broken. I was walking back to my desk from a trip to the bathroom, and I felt like I peed my pants, just a little. Of course I immediately thought it was my water, and that this was it -- but no. Turns out, I had just peed my pants. Just a little.

One of my pregnant friends pointed out, it's like Preconception Hypochondriasis all over again, except now I'm looking for signs of labor. And after all of that thinking I was in labor, I suppose I had these notions I'd be at least 5 cm today, that baby would be falling out and my doctor would send me to the hospital right away! (Silly me.)

Even though I'm only at 2 cm, I know baby can come any moment. It's difficult, not knowing when that will be or what tomorrow will bring. But it's also exciting, and a lesson in patience, giving up control and enjoying life as it comes. (I just hope the lesson is almost over.)

Pickles and Ice Cream

2010-06-18T10:29:00.005-04:00

When my co-workers organized a baby shower for me, someone signed up to bring pickles and ice cream for the pot-luck lunch. Obviously, they were having fun with the fact that many women experience unusual food cravings when pregnant. I however, have not. In the first trimester, I did eat a lot of salty things, because I was often nauseated, and salt seemed to help with that. But when I passed through the sickness phase, I dropped the salt shaker and reunited with my sweet tooth. Occasionally I do crave something, like cinnamon rolls, or cupcakes, or chocolate chip cookies, (do we see a pattern here?) but as soon as my craving is satisfied, it passes. So there isn't anything that I have consistently craved throughout my pregnancy, and certainly nothing strange or unusual, like pickles and ice cream.

38 Weeks

2010-06-18T10:27:00.000-04:00

Nursery: After

2010-06-18T10:04:00.005-04:00

Before, and after:

37 Weeks, 5 Days

2010-06-16T18:08:00.015-04:00

(I feel like I should be taking belly shots more frequently now, since baby could come any moment.)

John came along for my weekly appointment today, because we scheduled an ultrasound ~~because my doctor looks for excuses to schedule ultrasounds~~ to confirm that baby was head-down. She is, in fact, head-down, and she's beautiful. We watched her moving and turning, opening her mouth, sticking out her tongue, and puckering her lips. She is a sight to behold.

According to the ultrasound machine, she weighs approximately 6 pounds, 11 ounces, plus or minus one pound. So we really don't know how much she weighs, but we know that she's healthy, fluid level was good, and everything was measuring as it should. (Oh, and she is a she.) Also, I'm now 1.5 cm dilated, and 70% effaced. Very little progress from last week, but progress nonetheless.

As I was driving to the appointment, I realized that the scan could reveal some problem, that maybe baby would be breach, and we'd have to schedule a c-section, possibly very soon. And as I was thinking all this, I started to panic. Just a little. I have wanted a baby since before I knew where babies came from, and I prayed and hoped for this little miracle long before she was conceived, and I've been looking forward to her birth since the day I learned I was pregnant, but now that it's so close, I just...I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ABOUT TO HAVE A CHILD. That any day now, I could go into labor and within hours, hold my daughter in my arms. My daughter, mine to raise and protect. So very soon, our little family of two will swell to a family of three, and our lives will never be the same again. I'm okay with that, and very excited, but also just a little bit scared. Just a little.

I came down with a nasty cold this weekend. My second this pregnancy. It's my own fault though -- I was doing too much and not resting enough. So I'm taking it easy from here on out. Being nine months pregnant isn't so bad, but nine months pregnant and fighting a cold is miserable. Lesson learned.

Other than the cold, I'm feeling okay. Pregnant, but okay. At all hours of the day, I feel like I've just eaten a large pizza by myself, what with the heartburn and indigestion. I find myself full after two bites of salad though, so no, I'm not eating large pizzas. Sleep is also uncomfortable. Baby likes to move, and she'll get going at bedtime, pushing up against my ribs or leaning against my bladder, kicking and rolling, keeping me awake. I prop my head on two pillows, place another under my belly, and one between my legs. During the night, I must roll myself out of bed to pee at least once, and then I'll wake up again from heartburn and take two TUMS. I've gone through three bottles of TUMS so far.

I still force myself to go to the gym in the mornings, and even though I can go 30 minutes on the elliptical machine, I'm winded from talking these days. And if I have to walk up any stairs, I need at least five minutes to recover. I've been having some contractions too. Nothing painful, or consistent. But I occasionally feel my belly getting hard, usually during or after physical activity.

None of this is exactly pleasant, but it's all a part of the miracle that is growing in my womb, and it's totally worth it.

Ready

2010-06-14T07:02:00.010-04:00

We're ready for her. Ready, in the sense that, the car seat is installed and has been inspected by a professional. The nursery is just about complete. I have everything for my hospital bag. We've chosen a pediatrician. We have the pack 'n play, the stroller, and the bouncer. Clothes and blankets have been washed. I'm registered at the hospital, although we haven't yet taken a class or toured labor and delivery. We'll do that this weekend if baby hasn't already made an appearance. And if she comes this week, I'm sure we'll figure out where we need to go, so I'm not concerned. I also haven't frozen any meals yet, but I plan to make a few things this week, as time allows. And if baby comes early, we won't starve. Friends and family have already volunteered to bring meals. So, we're ready enough.

John and I spent the day together this past Saturday. We went to breakfast, and went shopping. We attended an open house at a pediatrician's office, and then worked on the mobile for the nursery. John had to watch the USA-England World Cup soccer game in the afternoon, so he rubbed my feet and I napped while he cheered team USA on to tie England. And then we got all dressed up and went out for a fancy shmancy dinner. I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of the day, which ended with a movie at home on the couch. I know we will have days like this again, but it will probably be a little while, and maybe not so easy next time.

I always thought I would be anxious at this point, terribly uncomfortable and eager to be done with pregnancy. I am excited, and I cannot wait to meet my daughter, but I'm also enjoying these final days as a family of two. And even if baby comes close to her due date, or a little bit past, that's still only three weeks away. I'm sure three weeks will fly by like the past 37 weeks have, so I can wait.

But still, I'm ready whenever you are, little one.

37 Weeks

2010-06-11T21:50:00.002-04:00

1 Centimeter, 50% Effaced

2010-06-08T21:42:00.004-04:00

I had my first weekly prenatal appointment today. I say this every five minutes, but I can't believe I'm already nearing the end of my pregnancy. It seems like just last month that I was praying for nausea, wondering if I'd ever conceive. And wasn't it just last week when we learned we were pregnant? I still cry when I think about that day. That moment when I turned around and read the word, "Pregnant." And now here I am, just weeks away from holding my very own child in my arms. I just can't believe it. It's a miracle. A miracle.

We listened to her heartbeat today, like we always do. I remember when I was so anxious to hear her heart beating, back before I could feel her movements. Now, when we listen for the heartbeat, I know with confidence we will find it, because I feel my daughter moving constantly, and I know that she is alive and well. Today, her heart was beating 130 beautiful beats per minute.

After the heartbeat, my doctor measured my baby bump, as she's been doing for some time now. Once again, she said I was measuring perfectly, and I didn't bother to ask exactly how many inches or centimeters "perfectly" was. Her assurance was enough. I did, however, want to know if we were progressing toward labor. I wasn't expecting much, but the doctor said that I'm 1 centimeter dilated, and 50% effaced. I wasn't even sure what "effaced" meant, but I knew 50% had to be better than 0%. She also said that the baby has dropped, that she's very low, and she estimates that she'll weigh "a high six pounds" at birth. And the best part? She's scheduled an ultrasound for next week, because she couldn't positively confirm that baby is head down. She said she couldn't feel the soft spot of the head to be sure, and so next Wednesday, John and I will get to see our little munchkin one more time before her birth. I pray of course that her head is in fact, down, but I'm just thrilled for the opportunity to see her again. And then I hope it won't be too much longer before I see her face-to-face.

Belly Roll

2010-06-06T18:04:00.004-04:00

Our baby is an active little thing. I've been trying to record her movements, but by the time I get the camcorder and turn it on, she usually goes still. Today though, today I got her.

36 Weeks

2010-06-05T06:54:00.003-04:00

36 weeks. Geez Louise! I could have a baby THIS MONTH. I must look it too, because my co-workers keep asking when I'm leaving. According to the pregnancy checklist at thebump.com, the week 36 milestone is "last day of work." I think I should tell my boss about this because she must not know. But really, I don't mind working up until baby is born. It keeps me busy, and I'd rather have more time with my daughter when I can actually hold her in my arms and kiss her baby cheeks.

So when they ask how long I'll be around, I just tell them, until baby decides to make an appearance. Yesterday, someone asked if I might go into labor at work, and well, it's certainly a possibility. He said he'd bring in a stack of towels -- because isn't that what they say when someone goes into labor? "Bring towels and warm water!" I assured him though, we won't be needing the warm water, just a ride to the hospital if necessary.

Inevitably, when I say that I'll be working up until the end, someone tells me either that "the first one" is always late, or that their wife/mother/daughter/sister went into labor three weeks early. But the truth is, you never know. Baby will come when she is ready, and although mama wishes she could know when that will be, mama is learning patience, and starting to understand that she'll never be able to make plans like she was accustomed to before. It's going to be an adjustment, but I say, bring it on. I can't wait to adjust to life with this baby.

35 Weeks

2010-06-04T18:23:00.001-04:00

I took this picture the day of baby shower #2. We had four showers, the little one and I. My co-workers organized the first, my dear friend from high school and her mother hosted the second, my mother's sisters gave the third, and my nearest and dearest friend and her mother showered us a fourth time. All within 9 days. Baby and I are very, very blessed.

Dear Baby

2010-05-28T22:38:00.002-04:00

My sweet girl, just five weeks until you are due to enter this world. I'd love to see you in three, but you come whenever you're good and ready. At times it feels like you've been growing in my womb forever, and then I can't believe you'll be in my arms so soon. I cannot wait to hold you. I cannot wait to see your face. To hear you breathing and watch you sleeping. You will sleep, won't you?

33 Weeks

2010-05-18T11:24:00.003-04:00

31 Weeks

2010-05-01T11:23:00.000-04:00

Sandal Shopping

2010-04-27T20:41:00.004-04:00

Looking for sandals that might hide my swollen ankles. Love these, all from Piperlime. But will my swollen ankles fit in them?

29 Weeks

2010-04-22T21:08:00.004-04:00

My little butternut squash weighs approximately 2.5 pounds now. She is very active, moving and kicking throughout the day and night. When she really gets going, my belly will shift and change shape to accommodate her position. I tried to film this last night with the camcorder, but as soon as I started recording, she got stage fright and stopped moving. 1 minute later, when the camcorder battery died, she went right back to her antics. Little stinker.

I've been exhausted this week. I'm not sure if it's this lingering cold I'm still fighting, or the stressful work week I've had, or the effects of third trimester pregnancy, but at the end of the day, I'm plum wore out. I'm crossing my fingers and toes that this is just a phase, just a bad week, because I'm officially in my third and final trimester and there is still much to be done to prepare for baby's arrival.

When I went for my prenatal appointment two weeks ago, I was tested for gestational diabetes. I had to drink an orange-flavored sugary liquid and wait one hour to have blood drawn. I'd heard horror stories about how nasty the drink would be and how awful this test was, but the worst part? The worst part was the video I had to watch during my one hour wait. It was an interactive sort of thing, and I was prompted to answer a number of questions, like--

Have you taken childbirth classes?
Have you contacted the hospital where you plan to have your baby and made the necessary arrangements?
Have you discussed your birthing plans with your doctor?
Have you selected a pediatrician to look after your baby?
Have you talked about having or not having more children with your doctor?
Have you discussed eating and drinking during labor with your doctor?

No. No. No. No. No. No.

And no, the nursery isn't finished, the crib is still in pieces, I haven't registered at the hospital, I don't know anything about filing for short-term disability, I haven't asked about suspending my gym membership, I haven't bought nursing bras, or packed my hospital bag, or prepared and frozen any meals for later. Baby still doesn't have a mattress! I haven't washed her clothes! I've only bought one pack of diapers! And April is almost over, and then it's May, and then it's June, and THEN - THEN IT'S JULY 2ND.

Okay, perhaps I'm getting carried away, but it does seem like there is an awful lot to do in the last leg of this journey. And since my company doesn't offer maternity leave, and I can't file for short-term disability until after I deliver the baby, I'll be working right up until I go into labor.

Still, I know that things will fall into place. There is time. And what needs to be done will be done. I'm confident that when she comes, we'll be ready for her. After all, I was ready for her before she was even conceived.

PS: I went back for another prenatal appointment this week -- I'm on the every-two-weeks-schedule now. I learned that I do not have gestational diabetes (ice cream, anyone?) and I've gained 11 pounds so far. Baby's heartbeat was strong, my blood pressure was normal, urine was normal -- all seems well.

Aspartame Shame

2010-04-16T13:25:00.001-04:00

On Easter Sunday, our church had a cook-out after the service. I loaded my plate with all the traditional cook-out goodies, and headed off to the drink table to grab myself a soda. A diet, caffeinated soda.

Yes, you heard me.

I buy organic, all-natural, paraben and preservative-free, but I still love my diet soda. It doesn't make sense, I know. And maybe I'll give it up one day, but not today. At my first prenatal appointment, my doctor told me that caffeine and artificial sweeteners were fine in moderation, and so I moderate. At some point in my second trimester, I began to allow myself one caffeinated, artificially sweetened beverage a day. Most days, I still only drink water, so when the craving for a diet soda hits, I allow myself to indulge.

Back to the story.

I'm at the drink table, and as I pause to consider the array of beverage selections, the girl responsible for pouring the drinks asks what I'd like. I see Diet Dr. Pepper, Diet Coke, Cherry Coke Zero - all my favorites - and I'm trying to decide which one I want. And the girl who pours the drinks, she sees my pregnant belly and she says, "This one is caffeine free!" She's holding a bottle of some orange, high fructose corn syrup, un-caffeinated, caloric soda and I'm all like, uh, sure, give me that one. Because that is what this girl thinks I "should" drink, and what will she say if I ask for Diet Dr. Pepper instead???

Nothing. That's probably what she would have said. I'll never know though, because I grudgingly took the orange, high fructose corn syrup, un-caffeinated, caloric soda and drank it.

28 Weeks

2010-04-15T22:17:00.001-04:00

Nursery Wish List

2010-04-10T09:00:00.001-04:00

I can't afford any of these things, but a girl can dream.

1. Oeuf Crib. $690

2. Jonathan Adler Zebra Rug. $995

3. Serena & Lily Lamp. $398

4. Anthropologie Cabinet. $2,498

5. Oilo Crib Bedding. $400

We have a name!

2010-04-09T18:25:00.012-04:00

I came down with a wicked cold this week. I've been so miserable, I actually went to the doctor today. That's a big deal because I haven't been to the doctor since I went three years ago, when at the age of 22, my pediatrician told me that it was time to find myself a grown-up doctor. I made an appointment with the primary care physician my parents recommended, because they said I needed to establish myself as a patient.

At this appointment, three years ago, my new grown-up doctor asked me to identify any existing health issues or concerns. When I mentioned acne, he told me to talk to a dermatologist. When I mentioned bad period cramps, he told me to see a gynecologist. And when I hinted at some lower back pain, he said I should see a specialist about that too.

So what, I wondered, was I supposed to see this guy for?

A cold, I guess. A really, really, really bad cold.

So I went to the doctor today, and I must have been looking especially pregnant, because everyone noticed, commented, and asked The Big Three Questions:

1. When are you due?

2. Is it a boy or a girl?

3. Do you have a name picked out?

The first two questions are simple, easy. July 2nd, and it's a girl (or so they tell me). But the third question, that one is not so simple. I've already mentioned that we're not sharing the name until baby is born, but I've been reluctant to even commit to having chosen a name. Because it might change. And I'm still looking.

So today, when we got to the third question, I surprised even myself when I answered that yes, we have a name.

We have a name!

Our little girl has a name!

(I think.)

At least, there is a name that we both love. A name that we use when we're talking about and talking to our daughter. A name that just seems absolutely perfect.

So yes, we have chosen a name. It's official.

(But we're still not telling. And of course, we reserve the right to change this name if we think of something even more perfect.)

27 Weeks

2010-04-02T11:48:00.002-04:00

Ask me about the baby, and I’ll love you forever. Also, avoid me if the thought of touching my swollen belly repulses you, because when I feel my girl kicking, I’m likely to grab the hand of a stranger, press it to my stomach and ask, “DID YOU FEEL THAT?” It’s just that it’s an incredible experience, feeling my child moving in my womb, and because I get so much pleasure out of it, I assume that others must too. But just in case they don’t, I usually resist the urge to shout out, “SHE’S MOVING! SOMEONE, GIVE ME YOUR HAND!!!”

I feel her multiple times a day. Sometimes, her kicks are so strong and repetitive, my belly jumps like there is popcorn popping in my uterus. And then sometimes, instead of kicks, I actually feel her rolling around in there, shifting, moving against me. It’s these moments that make me forget the swollen ankles, the heartburn and indigestion, the oily skin and acne. These moments are precious because they remind me that I am carrying life, that my little girl is growing, and already, I am a momma. These moments will never get old. She makes me laugh and cry. She fills me with joy. And every day, I fall more in love with my daughter.

24 Weeks

2010-03-17T11:50:00.006-04:00

I'm heading off to Florida tonight to meet up with John, who has been there all week on business. My mother-in-law happens to live in Florida too, just 20 minutes from where John has been working, and so we'll be spending a long weekend with her. As far as mother-in-laws go, I have a good one, and it certainly doesn't hurt that she lives in south Florida. In a condo with a pool. Across the street from the beach. She's also made appointments for us on Saturday for massages and facials (seriously, isn't she great?) and I may just take myself somewhere for a pedicure tomorrow while John is in meetings all day.

Sunshine + Beach + Massage + Facial + Pedicure = Heaven

This weekend comes at a perfect time, because I've been feeling rather off lately. My body is an oil factory, I'm breaking out like crazy, feeling large, working with a limited wardrobe, and there's not much I can do about any of it. That whole pregnancy glow thing? I don't think I got it.

But I'm not complaining. Because I feel my little girl moving, and I could care less about what I look like.

Still, I'm really, really, REALLY looking forward to this weekend.

Nursery: Before

2010-03-11T12:07:00.013-05:00

After hours and hours of searching and deliberation, I finally found the perfect wallpaper for the nursery. I ordered this perfect wallpaper from a local shop, and picked it up last night. I then went straight to Home Depot, where I had them make me a gallon of the perfect color paint to match the perfect wallpaper. (We're covering one wall and painting the others.) The best part of all of this? Total cost of perfect paint and perfect wallpaper was less than $100.

Of course I couldn't wait to get started, so I immediately broke out the brushes and rollers and got to work. But first, I took these "before" pictures of the room that we've called "The Nursery" since we bought this house almost three years ago.

I painted one wall last night, and taped up a piece of the wallpaper to see the print and color together.

How does it look?

Perfect.

The Sweetest Sound I Ever Heard

2010-03-10T19:42:00.003-05:00

No, you can't always plan these things.

2010-03-09T12:33:00.003-05:00

I work for a small company. There are somewhere around 45 employees, and I'm one of the youngest. Also, since the company's inception five years ago, the first pregnant employee. We've already determined that I'll need to apply for short-term disability when I have the baby, and the powers that be have agreed to let me return part-time. I'm not sure that I'll have the same job I have now, but they say they'll find work for me somewhere, doing something. The plan is to have a friend watch our little girl two days a week, and I'll work a few hours from home. (By the way, said friend happens to be pregnant with her third, and found out last week that she is having a girl too! Due just two weeks after our little one. I'm already planning play dates and slumber parties.)

Anyway, back to the point. I work for a small company. Two weeks ago, a group of us went out to lunch together because our company was moving from our downtown office to an office on the east end of town, and we all wanted to eat at our favorite downtown restaurant one last time.

If I may go off on one more tangent, the new office location is quite snazzy. Everything is brand-spanking new, it's closer to home, and conveniently located by a gas station, grocery store, and a Starbucks. No more interstate traffic, parking garage, crossing Main Street and walking a block in the cold and rain. The only problem with our new digs is that the bathroom is now a 60 second walk from my desk. It was a 10 second walk before, and now that I'm settled into my second trimester of pregnancy, I find myself making that walk A LOT.

So. Lunch. We were all sitting around a large table, about 15 of us, waiting for our food. I was sitting at one end of the table, talking with those around me about who knows what. I looked up at one point and made eye contact with our VP of Technology, who was sitting at the opposite end of the table. That's when he asked, "When are you due?"

"July 2nd." I said.

"Oh, you'll learn." He said.

"What do you mean by that?" I asked.

"Well, for example, my mother had three kids. The first one was born in August. The next two were born in December and January. You'll learn." He said.

And then I understood. He was telling me to plan my pregnancies to have my babies in the cooler months. To avoid being pregnant in the heat of summer. Ha. Ha. Haha. Hahahahahaha. PLAN MY PREGNANCY? Oh, NAIVE SIR, it's not that simple.

"You can't always plan these things." I said.

"Well, you sorta can." He responded.

"No, you can't." I said again.

He stared at me, like I didn't know what I was talking about. Like, it's really not that hard. Like I should know how it works.

"It took us eleven months to conceive." I said finally. "You can't always plan these things."

Someone immediately started talking about the weather and that was the end of that conversation.

23 Weeks

2010-03-08T12:19:00.002-05:00

If I were a superhero, my energy would come from the sun. We've had five beautiful sunny days in a row, and I feel like a new woman. Last week, I made it to the gym four days, and I made it back again this morning. There is just something about waking up to daylight at 7am that makes the whole work-out thing a lot easier and a lot more fun. And as the weather continues to warm up, I look forward to taking evening walks around our neighborhood, showing off my ever-growing baby bump.

I feel my little girl moving around in there every day now. Two, three, four times a day. And sometimes, when I lay on my back and lift up my shirt, I can actually see my belly poke out from her little kicks and punches. The other night, I was eating Sour Patch Kids, and the little one went absolutely wild. I'm not sure if she was protesting, or begging for more, but I'm over the craving for sour candy now. Although, I must say, my sweet tooth has officially returned.

In my first trimester, I suddenly stopped caring about sugar. It was the strangest thing, coming from someone who could eat a brownie sundae for dinner. Instead, I wanted SALT. Buckets and buckets of it. I'm now disgusted by the measures I took to satisfy my craving. Ramen noodles. Noodle soup. Chips. French fries. Popcorn. Oh, the popcorn! As my pre-pregnant self, I always bought low-sodium popcorn. So when my SALT cravings hit, I'd add about a cup of SALT to my low-sodium popcorn, and when all the popped kernels were gone, I'd suck on the leftover un-popped kernels for that extra bit of SALT. No wonder my feet and ankles are now swelling daily. I've probably got enough built-up sodium in my body to last a lifetime.

The swelling is manageable, really. Some days are worse than others. Like two weeks ago, when I had to abandon my search for maternity jeans early because my ankles were rubbing against the top of my shoes and I couldn't walk another step. But most days it's minor, and my ankles are back to normal in the morning. Fresh and ready to swell again.

There is heartburn and indigestion too. Again, some days are worse than others. Good news is, Tums seems to work, and it's on the list of "safe" medications I received from my doctor. So these pregnancy symptoms are manageable too.

I have a regular check-up appointment with my OB on Wednesday. Can't wait to hear the little girl's heartbeat again. She should be about the size of a large mango now, and weigh just over one pound. Four weeks ago, at The Ultrasound, she weighed 11 ounces. Speaking of The Ultrasound, I had one of her 3D pictures blown up for John to put on his desk. I also have her picture hanging in my cubicle. I can hardly believe that beautiful little baby is growing right now in my womb.

I have a child. Geez la-weez, I am a mother.

One Year

2010-03-07T22:04:00.000-05:00

One year ago, I started this blog. We had been trying to conceive for three months, and I was just beginning to grow frustrated with my period and her antics. I was slightly concerned, but still full of hope and optimism. Still analyzing every potential sign and symptom, and thinking of Clomid as some distant and unnecessary solution for a problem I probably didn't have. I thought I'd start a blog to record my private thoughts, keep track of "baby things" I'd eventually buy, and chronicle my soon-to-be pregnancy. I had no idea that I'd be here, one year later.

Here, is 23 weeks pregnant. If we had conceived month one, we would have a 6th-month-old now. But it took us 11 months, and baby isn't due for another 17 weeks. While we were living it, each month felt like an eternity, and toward the end of our conception journey, I was going crazy with grief and despair. I was emotionally volatile, desperate and depressed. And then I got pregnant. And then 11 months of waiting didn't seem so bad.

Here, is also public. As in, I'm not the only one who reads what I write. And I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE reading comments on my posts. I love twittering and reading other blogs and following along as other women travel along similar or totally different paths. I had no idea how much this whole blog thing would become a part of my life. But now I think about life experiences as potential posts, and I spend more time reading blogs than books.

So, "Happy Anniversary" to me, and a happy one it is. Because the end of this road is in sight, and mommyland is right around the corner. I only wonder what another year will bring.

20 Weeks

2010-02-17T13:26:00.010-05:00

Where did that come from?

Wallpaper

2010-02-15T13:09:00.009-05:00

My head has been spinning since we learned last week that we are having a girl. I'm already losing sleep at night, thinking about what we're going to name her, and what is labor going to be like, and what kind of stroller should we buy?

And then I have an aunt, one of those ladies who quilts and crochets with her eyes closed, and she wants to know how we're going to decorate the nursery because she wants to start crafting. And I'm like, it took me three years to decide where I wanted to hang that mirror, and now I ONLY HAVE TWENTY WEEKS TO DECORATE THE NURSERY? And you want me to decide on a color scheme THIS WEEK?

The nursery is on the top of my to-do list. I have some ideas, and I think I know which colors I'd like to decorate with (light blue, red, turquoise and orange) but first I need to choose a wallpaper. ~~We're~~ I'm still planning to paper one wall, and I'm trying to find a design that incorporates and/or complements the colors I like. I've spent approximately 128 hours searching online, and I've ordered a few samples.

I'd say this paper from Hygge & West is at the top of the list right now. The colors are perfect, and I love the whimsical pattern.

I really like this one from ferm LIVING, but I wish the color was blue, and not gold.

I ordered a sample of this one from Graham and Brown. This one might have too much green for my liking.

I also ordered a sample of this one. I have this crazy idea that perhaps I could paint the flowers, a color of my choice. Is that totally crazy?

I give you permission to say, "I told you so!"

2010-02-12T17:08:00.001-05:00

Yes, y'all were right.

19 Weeks

2010-02-12T17:04:00.002-05:00

The Ultrasound was scheduled for 9am, so I woke up at 4:45 to give myself plenty of time to shower, dress and eat. Actually, my alarm was set for 7:15, but I woke up early and could not go back to sleep. I tossed and turned for an hour, and then finally got up to watch the news and make myself a cup of 1/3-caff-coffee. I also checked the "winter weather closings list" about 700 times, because we'd had some snow, and after all these years, our city still doesn't quite know what to do when those white flakes start falling. I was worried about road conditions, and I even thought my OB office might close for the day.

At 7 o'clock, when I didn't see my OB on the list of closings, and I hadn't received a call about cancelling my appointment, I decided it was time to get moving. I showered and dressed, and went out to warm the car and scrape off the snow and ice while John was in the shower. At 8 o'clock sharp I was ready to go. Yes, our appointment was at 9am and yes, it only takes 15 minutes to get there, but we didn't know what the roads were like and I didn't want to be late. This was a very important date.

As it turned out, the roads were perfectly clear, so we were able to stop at Chick-fil-A for breakfast and orange juice - everyone said I should drink orange juice before The Ultrasound - and still make it to the OB office a whole 35 minutes early. AND THANK GOODNESS, because I had time to count the number of ceiling tiles in the waiting room. Twice.

My parents also came to see the baby, their first grand-baby. Thankfully, we all fit comfortably into the ultrasound room, and in fact, we could have fit another 10 people in there. I actually saw pictures of someone who had brought her whole family with her for her ultrasound. And I mean, her WHOLE family. There were like 15 people in that room, and all of them taking pictures and recording video. Me, I felt a little awkward having my parents there, but it was fine, and it was great to share the experience with them.

Good news is, baby did not look like a raw chicken breast or a large gummy bear. No, we saw everything - toes, feet, legs, a femur, the stomach, the diaphragm, kidneys, the four chambers of the heart, the aorta, the spinal column, hands, fingers, knuckles, lips, nose, eyes, the cerebellum, and lots of other things I can't remember now. Everything measured as it should, everything was where it should be.

At the very beginning, I thought I saw a flash of those three lines that are supposed to mean girl, but when I asked the technician if baby was a girl, she just said she'd tell me when she knew. Three years later, after we'd looked at everything else, we moved back to the bum and the legs, and we learned that we were having a girl.

A baby girl.

And she is beautiful.

GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-02-10T12:15:00.003-05:00

A sneak peek:

More details later.

The Ultrasound

2010-02-09T20:14:00.008-05:00

Tomorrow morning, weather permitting, we should be seeing our little one. I had a dream on Sunday night that baby was a girl, which was fine and normal, but baby also looked like a raw chicken breast. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to cook a raw chicken breast again.

I am incredibly excited to learn the sex of our little one. Like, I may not be able to sleep tonight. Someone at work today tried to convince me to not find out, but I told him to give it up, it was a lost cause. I just want to know. I want to end the suspense because I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY LONGER. Everyone asks if we have a guess, but I honestly have no idea. In the beginning, I thought girl, and I had a dream that baby was a boy. Lately, I've been thinking that baby is a boy, but then I had a dream that baby was a girl. And looked like a chicken breast. So I just don't know.

I am equally excited about seeing the little bean. I understand we'll be taking measurements and looking for any abnormalities, and I look forward to hearing that all is well and good.

Tomorrow morning cannot come fast enough.

What have we done?

2010-02-08T18:55:00.013-05:00

A local radio station has been raising money for the children's hospital in town, and all last week they told stories of kids battling various illnesses and diseases. Things that no child should have to go through, and things that I could barely stand to hear. I'd listen for a minute, and then change the station when my eyes flooded with tears, because crying and driving is not a safe combination. But with every brief segment I heard, I thought, what's to say this won't be me in a few years? What's to say that the story won't be about my child? My little one. My baby.

I have realized that choosing to have a child is probably the biggest risk I have ever taken in my life, and I do not like to take risks. For college, I went to the university here in town because I received a full scholarship, and I would have had to go into debt to study elsewhere. And then, I had an opportunity to spend a year studying at a different college, in any state of my choice really, including Hawaii and California, and I chose not to. Because I'd have to quit my job and move away from home and leave my boyfriend (the one I eventually broke up with) and take financial risks like I'd never taken before. And now, every college student I speak to, I'm like, "If you have a chance to study abroad, or in some other state, or in the next town over, by all means, TAKE IT." Because I have lived in Louisville, Kentucky my whole life and I doubt I will ever live anywhere else. I'm okay with that, because my family is here, my friends are here, and I met my husband here. But I had a chance to live a year somewhere else, and what an experience that might have been.

I never really thought of having a baby as a risk. Not until recently. And the hardest part about this realization is that I am not the one most affected by this risk. No, it is my innocent child, the one that we have chosen to bring into this world. This world of disease, illness, syndromes, disorders, deformity, car accidents, freak accidents, natural disasters, drugs, rape, murder, violence, hatred, discrimination, ridicule, bruised knees and broken hearts. Try as hard as I might, I will not be able to protect my little one from all of those things. And I think, what have I done?

I still do not regret our decision to have this baby. But is that selfish? Selfish because I will have my baby, the child I so desperately wanted, but cannot protect? I mean, you think, "That won't happen to me." But it does happen to someone. Every day.

The Ultrasound is just two days away, and I can't help but think of these things. But I cannot live my life in fear. I have friends who have been through tough situations with their kiddos, and not one has ever wished they could go back and choose not to have their child. I will love my little one and do everything in my power to protect him or her. And I will pray. And cherish every second. And yes, it is a risk, but the reward will be great.

Oh, Boy!

2010-02-04T12:31:00.009-05:00

Just six days until we find out if our baby is a boy or girl!!! I realize, I've looked at lots of clothes, shoes and accessories for girls, but baby very well may turn out to be a boy. In fact, I'm starting to think our little one will be a boy, and so I've been looking for more boy things. Here are a few of my favorites.

1. I like this little getup from The Pajama Squid.

2. Jeans from Boden. These are going to be a must-have.

3. Our little guy must also have a pair of Chuck Taylors.

4. This "Camouflage" hoodsie from Threadless is just plain cute.

5. And a toy truck from Black Wagon.

Boy or girl, I am so looking forward to meeting this baby.

18 Weeks

2010-02-03T17:46:00.004-05:00

Today, I am 18 weeks and 5 days pregnant. Baby is apparently as large as a mango, or about as long as a bell pepper, and this time next week, we should know if the little one is a boy or girl. I AM SOOOOO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really can't wait to know if we'll be having a son or daughter, and I'm also looking forward to seeing the little bean again. At the last ultrasound, baby was looking like a gummy bear, and I have nightmares that baby is now just a larger gummy bear. I want to see arms and legs, our baby's profile, and of course, the parts. Baby, this is no time for modesty.

There still is no bump to speak of. Anything that resembles a bump is not the baby, and really just my organs and innards being pushed up and out. No, the baby is still in my relatively flat lower abdomen, below my belly button. That's what the doctor says, and that is where I feel an occasional flutter of movement.

Last week, Friday night, at 18 weeks exactly, I got my first taste of edema, AKA "cankles." John had sweetly offered to rub my feet, and it was then that we saw that my right ankle had completely disappeared into my calf. Both feet and ankles were swollen, but the right was considerably worse. Of course, I immediately consulted Dr. Google, thinking the worst - preeclampsia or maybe gestational diabetes - knowing nothing about these conditions or their cause. I also called my mom, Nurse Mary, who reassured me that it was fine, told me to keep my feet elevated, sleep on my left side, avoid salt and drink lots of water.

In the morning, when my ankles were still slightly puffy, I called my OB. She asked if my ankles were tender, which they weren't, or if my entire leg was swollen, which it wasn't. So, she told me, it was nothing to worry about, keep ankles elevated and sleep on the left. She said that swelling is normal in pregnancy, even this early. Tenderness and swelling of the entire leg can be signs of a blood clot, but as I had neither, there was no cause for concern.

The Cankle:

Good news is, the swelling was gone by Sunday, and it hasn't been back. I've been keeping my feet propped up under my desk at work, sleeping on my left side, and drinking lots of water.

Speaking of sleep positions, the pregnancy books and emails say that I should stop sleeping on my back. Even at this point, they say the weight of the uterus can impede blood flow to me and baby. Unfortunately, I happen to be a back sleeper, so this has been a bit of an adjustment. I wake up throughout the night, realize I've rolled onto my back and freak out because I'M ALREADY A TERRIBLE MOTHER!

And then I roll over and go back to sleep.

Hot Dog or Cheeseburger?

2010-01-26T12:58:00.000-05:00

Alright, so we've scheduled The Ultrasound. On February 10th, we should know if baby is a boy or girl, if baby has a hot dog or cheeseburger. I had been thinking and hoping girl, but at my appointment yesterday, the heartbeat was boyish according to "the heart rate test." Truth is, for everyone who says that rule proved true, someone else says their experience was the opposite. So I really just have no idea.

When we told our family about the pregnancy, John's uncle told me, "If you have heartburn, the baby will have lots of hair, and if you crave chocolate, you'll have a girl." Simple as that. Who needs an ultrasound?

There are all kinds of wives tales and folklore for predicting your baby's sex (read about some here and here). Even though it's nonsense, I still find myself analyzing every sign and symptom like, oh, this means girl! But then again, that means boy. So, just for giggles and grins, here are some popular wives tales and what they mean for me. Read through them, and then tell me what you think by placing your vote to the right. We'll find out if you're right on 2/10.

I'm not really showing yet, so I can't really say if I'm carrying low or high, or all round or out front, so this wives tale doesn't help much.
Heart rate has been 178/160/140-150, which means girl/girl/boy.
Salty and sour food cravings mean boy.
Cravings for juice and citrus, means girl.
According to the Chinese Lunar Calendar, I'm having a girl.
I've had morning sickness, means girl.
My left boob is larger than my right, means girl.
Dry skin, means boy.
My wedding band tied to a string and hanging over my belly, swings side to side, means girl.
I've had headaches, almost daily this week, means boy.
I usually sleep on my right side at night, means girl.
I was 24 when we conceived, + 10 for the month of conception, = 34. An even number, means boy.
I wouldn't say I've gone through a "blooming" phase, means girl.
I stared in the mirror for 60 seconds and my pupils dilated slightly, means boy.

Total Score: 9 to 6, GIRL

*And yes, I know some of these are absolutely ridiculous. Just play along.

17 Weeks

2010-01-25T17:50:00.007-05:00

John came along today, for my regular OB check-up. I'm 17 weeks now, and still barely showing. I have gained 4 pounds since my last appointment, when I was actually down 2 pounds from my pre-baby weight. If I had to guess, I'd say 2 of those 4 pounds are in my boobs. On Sunday, I thought I had found a stretch mark on my left boob, and I tweeted this:

Turns out, baby is not in my boobs. I know this because I heard the heartbeat today, perfectly clear, and still located in my lower abdomen. As soon as my doctor touched the doppler thingamajig to my stomach, we could hear the steady, strong, ka-cha, ka-cha, ka-cha that was our baby's heart beating. Today, it was 140-150 bpm, which they say means it's a boy. Although, the heartbeat was 160 at my last appointment, and 178 before that, both of which are supposed to mean girl, so now I'm just totally confused. I'll only be confused a little longer though, because we've scheduled The Ultrasound for February 10th, a little over two weeks away. I have never been so excited for something before in my life. Really. Never.

Today we also decided to opt-out of the Penta Screen, blood-work to test for possible genetic problems like neural tube defects and down syndrome. We chose to forgo the test for a few reasons. First, we will not, under any circumstances, terminate this pregnancy. If a problem was detected through the penta screen, nothing could really be done but to terminate, or prepare. We will check for these genetic issues at The Ultrasound, so I am satisfied that if there is a problem, there will be a chance to catch it and prepare accordingly. False-positives are also possible, and could cause unnecessary anxiety and worry. I'm not willing to put myself, and my baby through that. PLUS, I like having blood drawn just about as much as I like paper cuts, so I wasn't too upset about missing out on all that fun.

In other news, my blood pressure was good. Position of uterus was perfect. OB says it's totally normal that I'm not showing yet, don't expect to until 20-24 weeks, especially since this is my first. I learned that I can use benzoyl peroxide for my breakouts and it's okay to take Tylenol daily for these headaches I've been getting. I also asked about traveling, since my family is planning a vacation in May and I'd like to tag along. I got the green light to travel up through the 36th week of my pregnancy as long as no complications come up down the road.

AND ONLY 16 DAYS UNTIL THE ULTRASOUND!!!!!!!!!!!

PS: I've been feeling...something...in my lower abdomen. I didn't want to say anything until I was totally positive, but my OB says it's likely that I'm feeling the baby. I notice it when I'm still, and then it's just a light flutter, like what I would imagine baby's movement would feel like. It's like, contact with my baby, and it's intoxicating.

Either that, or it's gas.

Wall Art

2010-01-23T20:43:00.001-05:00

Since I've been feeling a little better lately, I've actually had time to think about the fact that OHEMGEE, WE'RE HAVING A BABY. Also, said baby will be here in five months and we've got a nursery to decorate, so I've been spending an inordinate amount of time searching the Internet for ideas and inspiration. Colors and wallpaper are still to be determined, but I know I'll be hanging wall art. Here are a few ideas I like.

I'm totally into wall art collages. I especially like when prints and pictures are combined with mirrors and letters, and any other hanging objects. I love it when everything matches because nothing matches.

I also love the idea of incorporating a variety of colors and patterns, with embroidery hoops in all different sizes. (And how great are those blueish walls with that yellow chair?)

I love the orange frames in this one. Obviously, a collection of mismatched frames, hand-painted. Totally cool and totally doable.

The Name Game

2010-01-21T22:01:00.004-05:00

I went for a haircut last night, and when my stylist asked what was going on in my life, I of course told her that I was pregnant. Actually, she asked what was going on and then immediately asked if I was pregnant. She said I laid my hands on my stomach when she was shampooing my hair and that was her clue. She says all pregnant women do that. Who knew?

Anyway, she went on to ask the usual questions. How far along was I? Was I sick during the first trimester? Was John excited? Did we know what we were having? Did we have names picked out?

When we got to the name question, I felt like a jerk, telling her we weren't sharing the name, or even the names we have in mind. I mean, it's totally appropriate to ask a pregnant woman what she's planning to name her child, I think. At least, I always ask. But then someone asks me, and I'm all, "Nope, not telling."

We've chosen not to share for a number of reasons, and not just because we think someone is going to go and get pregnant, have a baby, and steal our name before we can give it to our own little one. (And when I say we and our, I really mean I and my, because to be perfectly honest, John doesn't really worry about these types of things.) So when my hair-stylist asked what names we liked, I told her I wasn't going to tell, and then I told her why.

1. To avoid objections. I've heard stories of friends sharing their baby names with parents, in-laws, co-workers, etc., and getting reactions like, "Are you joking?" and "That baby is going to hate you." I'm hoping that if we wait to announce the name until after the baby is born, when it's all official and everything, we'll minimize reactions like these.

2. Just in case we change our minds. I don't want to create any expectations. I don't want someone to purchse embroidered burpcloths or monogrammed onesies. Because I have enough trouble just picking out which brand of soap to buy, choosing a name for our baby will be no easy task, and I want the full forty weeks to make that decision.

3. The element of surprise. I did consider choosing not to know the sex. For like, an hour. And then I realized, who was I kidding? I'd have to know. Still, I do like surprises, and even if I won't necessarily be surprised by the name, won't it be exciting for everyone else?

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

16 Weeks

2010-01-17T19:48:00.005-05:00

I always said that I wouldn't complain about any pregnancy symptoms I experienced if I finally got pregnant. I said I would celebrate the day I puked my guts out, throw a farewell party for my waistline and gladly give up things like alcohol and bladder-control. I said all of that, and I really truly meant what I said. A few weeks into my pregnancy, I hadn't experienced any of the typical symptoms, and I told friends that I wished I would, just so I would know that I really was pregnant, that things were progressing as they should.

What is it they say? Be careful what you wish for?

The nausea started at about seven weeks. It was manageable at first, but then around week eleven, things got out of control, and I started running to the bathroom to gag and dry heave and sometimes puke. I've been tired too. More tired than usual, at least. There has been lots of lying on the couch, and I haven't been to the gym in nine weeks. I just haven't felt like myself, and it's like I lost control of my body. I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow, or if wearing that perfume will make me sick. I don't know if the chili I plan to make on Thursday will sound good that night, or if I'll find the smell of it repulsive.

All of that to say, it hasn't always been pleasant, being pregnant. But still, I'm not complaining. Really, I'm not. These are just the facts. I am so grateful for the little one growing in my womb. And besides, my life is no longer my own. I am now sharing my body with my child, and it is wonderful.

I am starting to feel better now too. At twelve weeks I was waiting for some switch to flip, but it's been more gradual. Now, at sixteen weeks, I find myself nauseated mainly when I'm hungry, or in the evenings around 5 o'clock. I have a bit more energy and I've been cooking some, and I plan to make it back to the gym this week.

Just one more week until my next OB appointment, and then three weeks until The Ultrasound, when we'll find out if baby is a boy or girl. So much to look forward to in the coming months.

The Itty Bitty Bump

2010-01-17T17:24:00.001-05:00

12 Weeks

2010-01-06T21:39:00.009-05:00

As far as announcements go, I couldn't have timed our pregnancy more perfectly. We reached the 12-week point on December 18th, just in time for Christmas cards.

This year, our cards read --

Front : Deck the Halls

Inside Left: Bun in the Oven, due 7.2.10

Inside Right: Merry Christmas! Love - John, Johanna and...

11-11, make a wish

2009-12-11T12:38:00.003-05:00

Today I am 11 weeks, and it also happens to be December 11th. I'm wishing for a healthy pregnancy and a healthy babe.

According to various sources, my little one is either the size of a fig or a lime by now, and already he or she is kicking and stretching. Of course, I can't feel any of it, and I'm not really showing at all, so it's hard to believe that there actually is a life growing in there.

I'm still dealing with the nausea. A friend heard that lemon drops help, so I've been looking all over town for them. I finally found them last night at Cracker Barrel, and you would have thought I'd just found the last golden ticket. I bought all the lemon drops they had and I figure I can start selling lemon drops from my car outside OB offices since they're so hard to find these days.

In other news, I learned that I'll have to apply for short term disability when my little one comes. Benefits will start fifteen days after I leave, and then I'll receive 60% of weekly earnings for six weeks maximum (unless there are complications). As for how much I'll be working when I return, that is still to be determined. I will not be working full-time, that much I know.

11 weeks. Keep growing, little one.

Double-Digits

2009-12-04T12:47:00.002-05:00

This week, my little one is the size of a kumquat. And I'm not really sure what a kumquat is.

As for me, I've been very nauseated this week. On Tuesday, I actually had to run to the bathroom to, well, dry heave. It was delightful. Wednesday and Thursday were rough too, and then this morning I woke up feeling okay for a change, and I was all like, ARE YOU IN THERE, BABY?! BABY?!

And baby promptly answered with a wave of nausea. What a relief.

In other news, I actually lost two pounds somewhere in the past 12 days. I don't really know where they went, what with the Thanksgiving dinner and pumpkin pie, but I'm sure they'll come back soon enough. Truth is, my appetite has been substandard. I also find myself craving salty foods, like popcorn, french fries, and chips. YUM. I hear this is a sign of having a boy. We'll see.

10 weeks down, 30 to go. We're going to make it, baby.

Dear Baby

2009-12-01T21:51:00.005-05:00

Do you know that I love you? I do. Very much. And even though I'm feeling a little sick today, I can bear it because I know you're still in there, moving and growing. And I could stand much more than this, for you. You make life exciting and wonderful. I feel once more like a child myself, amazed by the miracle of life and counting the days until I hear your little heartbeat again.

I pray that you are growing strong and healthy. I pray for God's protection for us both.

All my love,

Mama

Skip Ahead One Week (Nine Weeks & Three Days)

2009-11-30T20:20:00.007-05:00

We went for my monthly appointment today, hoping to hear our baby's heartbeat for the first time. When I went two weeks ago, I was able to see the heartbeat and it was the most incredible moment of my life. They told me then that I was 6 weeks and 4 days, so that would have put me at 8 weeks and 4 days today.

When we couldn't locate the heartbeat with a doppler machine, my OB ordered an ultrasound. She's pretty great like that. So not only did we hear the heartbeat, we saw it too. And we saw how much our little bean has grown. I think the babe is about the size of a grape now, and the heart is beating at 178 beats per minute.

Also, I'm now measuring at 9 weeks and 3 days, which is consistent with the due date I expected originally, and one week ahead of where we were measuring before. It seems I'm one week closer to my second trimester and one week closer to meeting our little one.

New due date: 7/2/10

Grampap and Grandma

2009-11-24T12:04:00.012-05:00

With the holidays upon us, I'm thinking of all that I have to be thankful for. Like my parents, who are amazing, and have always provided constant love, support, and encouragement. I actually told them when we decided to throw away the birth control, and so they have been on this journey with my husband and I from the very beginning.

My mom went with me to my first OB appointment to discuss infertility. She was there when I lost it in the bathroom at TJMaxx, after I started my period. Again. And last week, she passed me tissues as we watched my baby's heart beating.

In September, on the day my husband and I celebrated our second wedding anniversary, I received this message from my dad. This was before the successful round of Clomid. Before the pregnancy. Before my dad knew he was going to be a grampap.

Dear Jo,

As your biggest fan, it saddens me to see that your hope is deferred and your heart, well it’s a little sick (just finished reading your blog). I wish I could fix it – I would. I wish I could buy it – I would. I wish. I wish, I HOPE. I ask God and keep on asking. I cry. I love you.

Dad.

PS: Happy anniversary. I want you to know I think very highly of your John and have come to love him as my own son.

Like I said, my parents are amazing. And they're going to make great grandparents.

Dad, Mom, I love you both. And I am so thankful for you.

I DIE.

2009-11-20T16:10:00.010-05:00

Anthropologie is one of my favorite stores. Everyone knows it, and so I recently found myself shopping there with $400 in gift cards, collected over a period of twelve months. The closest Anthropologie is over an hour away, so I don't make it there often, and it's quite expensive, so I don't usually buy much. But you can imagine, I felt like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman with my bundle of gift cards. Like, I'll take one of those, and one of those, and one of these. Didn't offer to help when I first walked in the store? Big mistake! BIG! HUGE! (No, really they were friendly and helpful.)

I spent most of the money on new dishes, plates, bowls, and mugs. We also bought an assortment of knobs for our kitchen cabinets (JUST SAW THIS ONE, ORDERING IT NOW) and of course I had to spend a little on myself, so I bought a pair of shoes.

Anyway, I'm just now checking out their kids section online, and, in the words of Rachel Zoe, I DIE. DIE!!!!!!!

I should know the sex of my baby in February, and I'm hoping these items are still around and maybe even on sale. Because if I have a little girl, I just can't live without these:

And for a little boy:

DIE! These clothes are BANANAS! My little one will be SHUTTING IT DOWN.

PS: If you don't know who Rachel Zoe is, you're not watching enough Bravo.

7 Weeks

2009-11-19T12:21:00.006-05:00

My little one is now the size of a blueberry.

As for me, I'm feeling good. Nauseated, but good. Most of the time, I just feel a little queasy. Sometimes eating helps, but most foods have lost their appeal. I am less repulsed by carbohydrates and salt, so I find myself eating crackers, cereal and bread.

I've been avoiding caffeine and artificial sweeteners, although I did have a small glass of caffeine-free diet soda yesterday. My OB told me that caffeine and artificial sweeteners are okay in moderation, but I don't intend to make a habit of either.

I've eaten deli meat twice without heating it first, and then felt very guilty and fearful when I realized what I had done. I told John about it, so when we were at a party last week, he questioned everything I put in my mouth: "Was that ham heated?" "Can you eat that chicken dip?" "That punch isn't spiked, is it?!"

Well, it wasn't until I added a flask of vodka, dear.

Truth is, alcohol is something I can easily avoid and don't miss at all. Now, cookie dough? That, I'll miss. But I'd give it up forever for a healthy baby.

My Little Bean is Growing

2009-11-16T21:49:00.005-05:00

11/2/09, approximately four weeks:

11/16/09, approximately six weeks:

It was love at first sight.

All for Wallpaper

2009-11-11T18:18:00.008-05:00

Immediately after learning we were pregnant, we began to debate the sex of our little one. My husband refers to him and I refer to her. He talks about what we'll name him and I'm thinking of names for her. He's imagining the sports he'll play, and I'm shopping for dresses and headbands for her.

For one whole day, I actually considered not finding out - telling the doctor we don't want to know the sex of our baby. Because it doesn't matter, really. Boy or girl, we just want a healthy little one. And think how exciting the birth would be. The baby would pop out and I'd be all, "TELL ME, BOY OR GIRL?!?!"

So I thought, for just one day, that maybe we'd keep the sex a mystery.

And then I started looking for wallpaper.

As I've mentioned before, I plan to wallpaper one wall of the nursery, and paint the remaining three walls a complementary color. I'd like to decorate in blues and reds and oranges, for boy or girl, and I've already picked out this design from Romo Wallcoverings for a little girl. But I thought I should also look for something gender-neutral, that day that I lost my mind.

I found two that I like, this yellow one from Thibaut, and this green one from Ferm Living.

There are two problems these options though. First, our kitchen and living room are already green and yellow. Our bedroom is green and yellow. Our towels are green and yellow. We have enough green and yellow. Also, coincidentally, neither of these are blue, red, or orange. And anything I found that was blue, red or orange, was not gender-neutral. Like this one, also from Ferm Living, which would definitely suit a little boy.

After my unsuccessful attempts to find the perfect gender-neutral wallpaper, I realized it was hopeless, I will just have to know the sex of my baby.

NOT EVEN A PET ROCK

2009-10-26T21:40:00.008-04:00

When my husband was growing up, he never had a pet. For some reason, this often comes as quite a shock to those who broach the subject with him. The conversation usually goes back and forth like this.

Them: Not even a dog?

John: No, no pets.

Them: Not even a cat?

John: No, no pets.

Them: Not even a hamster?

John: No, no pets.

Them: Not even a gerbil?

John: No, no pets.

Them: Not even a goldfish?

John: No, not even a pet rock.

That's sort of what it's been like, as we tell immediate family and close friends about our pregnancy. We've decided that we'll tell our parents and siblings, and the close friends who already know we've been trying, but other than that, mums the word. Except that some are finding our news so exciting, they are DYING to tell SOMEONE. And so the conversation goes something like this.

Them: Can I tell my sister?

Us: No, please don't tell anyone.

Them: Can I tell a friend?

Us: No, please don't tell anyone.

Them: Can I tell a friend who doesn't even know you?

Us: No, please do not tell anyone.

Them: Can I tell my manicurist who doesn't even speak English?

Us: NO, DON'T EVEN TELL YOUR PET ROCK.

The Before

2009-10-23T17:22:00.001-04:00

I Peed on a Stick

2009-10-23T07:55:00.004-04:00

On Tuesday, I heard the tapping of her heels and I knew she was coming. I was so sure of it, I allowed myself a cup of coffee on Wednesday morning. And I wore no mascara for two days, because my period was going to make an appearance and I figured there was no point in applying mascara if I was just going to cry it all away. So all week, I've been waiting for her.

But she didn't show up. There was no sign of her on Wednesday, cycle-day-31, the day she usually shows up when my cycle is "regular." Then I didn't hear from her on Thursday either, and so I started to hope. I started to think, "Maybe I'm pregnant?"

I counted the days of my last three cycles. And then I counted the days from my blood work. And then I counted the days from when I thought maybe I had ovulated. I was afraid to test, and yet, I needed to know. Because all I've been able to think about for 24 hours is periods and pee-sticks.

I was torn - to test, or not to test? Because I couldn't make a decision, I let the Internet make one for me. I took a poll, and 50% agreed that I should test this morning. Friday. Cycle-day-33.

I chose to pee on a digital test, rather than one of the tests from the dollar store. I figured, if I'm going to do this, I'll do it right. And then I stood there, afraid to look, afraid of seeing the words, "Not Pregnant." My heart was pounding, my hands were shaking, and I could barely breathe. I stood there, saying aloud to myself, "The test will be negative, and it will be okay. I'm not pregnant, but I will be, one day. IT. IS. OKAY."

Except, when I turned around and picked up the test, it read "PREGNANT."

I. AM. PREGNANT.

Thinking

2009-10-18T21:51:00.001-04:00

I'm pregnant. I just know it.

No, I'm not pregnant. I can't be.

But I have been really tired lately. Is this PMS, or am I pregnant?

And my boobs are mildly sore. This could mean I'm pregnant, or that I'm going to start my period.

If I'm pregnant, I can finally drink that tea for pregnant women that I bought eight months ago.

Eight months ago, I thought I was pregnant and I wasn't. Why would I be pregnant now?

Today is cycle-day 29, so maybe I should go ahead and test tomorrow morning.

No, be patient.

But what if I'm pregnant?

But what if the test is negative. Then what?

Maybe I'll just wait until Friday. If I haven't started my period, I'll test Friday.

Or Wednesday.

No, Friday.

Bun in the Oven

2009-10-16T19:00:00.006-04:00

A friend, one who is privy to my little secret, gave me this stamp, for when I have an announcement to make.

About a bun.

In my oven.

Thanks, Friend!

Thank You Clomid

2009-10-14T12:54:00.006-04:00

In August, after my first round of Clomid, I celebrated a semi-regular cycle. Now, after three rounds of Clomid, I'm celebrating The Big "O" - and no, not that "O." I'm talking about ovulation. I ovulated. Sounds funny, right? Because it sounds like some gross bodily function when you put it like that, and because I didn't think my body knew how to ovulate. I didn't think the words "I" and "ovulated" would ever go together like that. But this month, after 150mg of Clomid, my progesterone level was 12.8, and they say this is conducive to conception. So thank you, Clomid. Thank you for giving me a chance.

Hoo-Hooty-Hoo

2009-10-07T23:33:00.008-04:00

I love Etsy and I love owls. Here are a few Etsy owls I'm considering for the nursery.

Status Report

2009-10-06T21:45:00.010-04:00

Clomid Round One - 50 mg

Progesterone Level - 1.5 ng/ml

Comid Round Two - 100 mg

Progesterone Level - 5.5 ng/ml

Clomid Round Three - 150 mg

Progesterone Level - TBD

Seeing Double

2009-09-28T20:25:00.009-04:00

It's like I'm living a double life. There is Public Me. The Me that goes to work and meets a friend for dinner later. Me who goes to the gym, goes to the grocery, goes to that meeting and then that social function. That Me has had a very busy few weeks, and it's not over yet. That Me is also preparing for the coming months, the holiday season and the subsequent public events. With friends, and family in five states, there will be lots of traveling, lots of get-togethers, lots of eating and drinking, laughing and sharing. And all the while, the Private Me will be blogging and twittering, whenever I can steal away for an hour.

There are a select few that know about both Public and Private Me. But most acquaintances and co-workers only know of the former, and would be quite surprised to learn of the latter. Just the other day, I was trying to explain Twitter to an non-twitterer, and I couldn't really say that I'm mommyland, that I twitter about my journey to parenthood, that I've been able to connect with lots of other women on the same journey, and that I've got like, two hundred and seventy something followers. No, Public Me was talking. And so I just gave some vague overview of Twitter, and how it's great for connecting with people with similar interests and hobbies. And with so many celebrities and media outlets on Twitter, it's also become a sort of news source. And so on and so forth.

Even though Private Me exists, Public Me must still carry on. Life does not stop so that you can focus on making a baby. There are still bills to pay and work to be done. It's been ten months now, and life just keeps going. I realize I'm getting closer and closer to that "12-Month Mark" when I can officially say that I'm battling infertility. What is that anyway? So even if you know you're not ovulating, you're not really diagnosed with infertility until you've been trying one year? And by the way, if you Google "infertility" - the physical symptom is "the inability to become pregnant." Other symptoms include "a range of painful emotions in one or both members of the couple." Really!?

So I'm here, day four of Clomid round three. Hoping the extra 50mg don't kill me. Hoping I never make it to the 12-Month Mark. Hoping that my progesterone level is a billion this time. But the reality is, this could be just the beginning. This could be a much longer journey and I might just be living this double life for a while longer.