#2

Some days I think I'm ready to try for another baby. And then some days I think I'll be ready when Fable is old enough to have an after-school job.

I swore off birth control forever before we conceived Fable, when my periods were irregular, my body wasn't ovulating, and I didn't know if I'd ever see two lines on a pee-stick. But when we did conceive with a little help from Clomid, my story suddenly changed, and I said we'd wait to try for a second when our first was six months old. Fable is now ten months old, and while I'll never again take The Pill, or any other form of hormonal contraceptive, we are still taking "certain measures" to prevent pregnancy.

I'm just not ready for another child. I need to sleep through the night and past 6:30 am first. Maybe Fable needs to be able to feed herself, bathe herself, and dress herself first.

But what if our conception journey is long? What if my body has forgotten how to make a baby? Are we wasting precious time?

I do look forward to another pregnancy, another birth. I wonder if we'll have a girl or a boy. What he or she will look like. What we'll call him or her. I loved feeling my baby grow and move in my womb, and I loved carrying her with me at all times. Feeling her leave my body and holding her for the first time was amazing, I can't wait to experience that again.

Or, maybe I can.

MA-MA

Just in time for Mother's Day, Fable has learned to say mama. Of course she doesn't know what she's saying, or that my heart explodes each time I hear her utter those two little syllables, but it does, my heart explodes. I just feel so blessed to be her mama.

It doesn't seem so long ago when Mother's Day was a difficult reminder of what I wasn't, and I can't help but think of all the ladies who are mourning the absence of life in their wombs today. I pray for peace for those hearts that are hurting.