20 Weeks

Where did that come from?

Wallpaper

My head has been spinning since we learned last week that we are having a girl. I'm already losing sleep at night, thinking about what we're going to name her, and what is labor going to be like, and what kind of stroller should we buy?

And then I have an aunt, one of those ladies who quilts and crochets with her eyes closed, and she wants to know how we're going to decorate the nursery because she wants to start crafting. And I'm like, it took me three years to decide where I wanted to hang that mirror, and now I ONLY HAVE TWENTY WEEKS TO DECORATE THE NURSERY? And you want me to decide on a color scheme THIS WEEK?

The nursery is on the top of my to-do list. I have some ideas, and I think I know which colors I'd like to decorate with (light blue, red, turquoise and orange) but first I need to choose a wallpaper. We're I'm still planning to paper one wall, and I'm trying to find a design that incorporates and/or complements the colors I like. I've spent approximately 128 hours searching online, and I've ordered a few samples.

I'd say this paper from Hygge & West is at the top of the list right now. The colors are perfect, and I love the whimsical pattern.

I really like this one from ferm LIVING, but I wish the color was blue, and not gold.

I ordered a sample of this one from Graham and Brown. This one might have too much green for my liking.

I also ordered a sample of this one. I have this crazy idea that perhaps I could paint the flowers, a color of my choice. Is that totally crazy?

I give you permission to say, "I told you so!"

Yes, y'all were right.

19 Weeks

The Ultrasound was scheduled for 9am, so I woke up at 4:45 to give myself plenty of time to shower, dress and eat. Actually, my alarm was set for 7:15, but I woke up early and could not go back to sleep. I tossed and turned for an hour, and then finally got up to watch the news and make myself a cup of 1/3-caff-coffee. I also checked the "winter weather closings list" about 700 times, because we'd had some snow, and after all these years, our city still doesn't quite know what to do when those white flakes start falling. I was worried about road conditions, and I even thought my OB office might close for the day.

At 7 o'clock, when I didn't see my OB on the list of closings, and I hadn't received a call about cancelling my appointment, I decided it was time to get moving. I showered and dressed, and went out to warm the car and scrape off the snow and ice while John was in the shower. At 8 o'clock sharp I was ready to go. Yes, our appointment was at 9am and yes, it only takes 15 minutes to get there, but we didn't know what the roads were like and I didn't want to be late. This was a very important date.

As it turned out, the roads were perfectly clear, so we were able to stop at Chick-fil-A for breakfast and orange juice - everyone said I should drink orange juice before The Ultrasound - and still make it to the OB office a whole 35 minutes early. AND THANK GOODNESS, because I had time to count the number of ceiling tiles in the waiting room. Twice.

My parents also came to see the baby, their first grand-baby. Thankfully, we all fit comfortably into the ultrasound room, and in fact, we could have fit another 10 people in there. I actually saw pictures of someone who had brought her whole family with her for her ultrasound. And I mean, her WHOLE family. There were like 15 people in that room, and all of them taking pictures and recording video. Me, I felt a little awkward having my parents there, but it was fine, and it was great to share the experience with them.

Good news is, baby did not look like a raw chicken breast or a large gummy bear. No, we saw everything - toes, feet, legs, a femur, the stomach, the diaphragm, kidneys, the four chambers of the heart, the aorta, the spinal column, hands, fingers, knuckles, lips, nose, eyes, the cerebellum, and lots of other things I can't remember now. Everything measured as it should, everything was where it should be.

At the very beginning, I thought I saw a flash of those three lines that are supposed to mean girl, but when I asked the technician if baby was a girl, she just said she'd tell me when she knew. Three years later, after we'd looked at everything else, we moved back to the bum and the legs, and we learned that we were having a girl.

A baby girl.

And she is beautiful.

GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A sneak peek:


More details later.

The Ultrasound

Tomorrow morning, weather permitting, we should be seeing our little one. I had a dream on Sunday night that baby was a girl, which was fine and normal, but baby also looked like a raw chicken breast. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to cook a raw chicken breast again.

I am incredibly excited to learn the sex of our little one. Like, I may not be able to sleep tonight. Someone at work today tried to convince me to not find out, but I told him to give it up, it was a lost cause. I just want to know. I want to end the suspense because I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY LONGER. Everyone asks if we have a guess, but I honestly have no idea. In the beginning, I thought girl, and I had a dream that baby was a boy. Lately, I've been thinking that baby is a boy, but then I had a dream that baby was a girl. And looked like a chicken breast. So I just don't know.

I am equally excited about seeing the little bean. I understand we'll be taking measurements and looking for any abnormalities, and I look forward to hearing that all is well and good.

Tomorrow morning cannot come fast enough.

What have we done?

A local radio station has been raising money for the children's hospital in town, and all last week they told stories of kids battling various illnesses and diseases. Things that no child should have to go through, and things that I could barely stand to hear. I'd listen for a minute, and then change the station when my eyes flooded with tears, because crying and driving is not a safe combination. But with every brief segment I heard, I thought, what's to say this won't be me in a few years? What's to say that the story won't be about my child? My little one. My baby.

I have realized that choosing to have a child is probably the biggest risk I have ever taken in my life, and I do not like to take risks. For college, I went to the university here in town because I received a full scholarship, and I would have had to go into debt to study elsewhere. And then, I had an opportunity to spend a year studying at a different college, in any state of my choice really, including Hawaii and California, and I chose not to. Because I'd have to quit my job and move away from home and leave my boyfriend (the one I eventually broke up with) and take financial risks like I'd never taken before. And now, every college student I speak to, I'm like, "If you have a chance to study abroad, or in some other state, or in the next town over, by all means, TAKE IT." Because I have lived in Louisville, Kentucky my whole life and I doubt I will ever live anywhere else. I'm okay with that, because my family is here, my friends are here, and I met my husband here. But I had a chance to live a year somewhere else, and what an experience that might have been.

I never really thought of having a baby as a risk. Not until recently. And the hardest part about this realization is that I am not the one most affected by this risk. No, it is my innocent child, the one that we have chosen to bring into this world. This world of disease, illness, syndromes, disorders, deformity, car accidents, freak accidents, natural disasters, drugs, rape, murder, violence, hatred, discrimination, ridicule, bruised knees and broken hearts. Try as hard as I might, I will not be able to protect my little one from all of those things. And I think, what have I done?

I still do not regret our decision to have this baby. But is that selfish? Selfish because I will have my baby, the child I so desperately wanted, but cannot protect? I mean, you think, "That won't happen to me." But it does happen to someone. Every day.

The Ultrasound is just two days away, and I can't help but think of these things. But I cannot live my life in fear. I have friends who have been through tough situations with their kiddos, and not one has ever wished they could go back and choose not to have their child. I will love my little one and do everything in my power to protect him or her. And I will pray. And cherish every second. And yes, it is a risk, but the reward will be great.

Oh, Boy!

Just six days until we find out if our baby is a boy or girl!!! I realize, I've looked at lots of clothes, shoes and accessories for girls, but baby very well may turn out to be a boy. In fact, I'm starting to think our little one will be a boy, and so I've been looking for more boy things. Here are a few of my favorites.

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1. I like this little getup from The Pajama Squid.

2. Jeans from Boden. These are going to be a must-have.

3. Our little guy must also have a pair of Chuck Taylors.

4. This "Camouflage" hoodsie from Threadless is just plain cute.

5. And a toy truck from Black Wagon.

Boy or girl, I am so looking forward to meeting this baby.

18 Weeks

Today, I am 18 weeks and 5 days pregnant. Baby is apparently as large as a mango, or about as long as a bell pepper, and this time next week, we should know if the little one is a boy or girl. I AM SOOOOO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really can't wait to know if we'll be having a son or daughter, and I'm also looking forward to seeing the little bean again. At the last ultrasound, baby was looking like a gummy bear, and I have nightmares that baby is now just a larger gummy bear. I want to see arms and legs, our baby's profile, and of course, the parts. Baby, this is no time for modesty.

There still is no bump to speak of. Anything that resembles a bump is not the baby, and really just my organs and innards being pushed up and out. No, the baby is still in my relatively flat lower abdomen, below my belly button. That's what the doctor says, and that is where I feel an occasional flutter of movement.

Last week, Friday night, at 18 weeks exactly, I got my first taste of edema, AKA "cankles." John had sweetly offered to rub my feet, and it was then that we saw that my right ankle had completely disappeared into my calf. Both feet and ankles were swollen, but the right was considerably worse. Of course, I immediately consulted Dr. Google, thinking the worst - preeclampsia or maybe gestational diabetes - knowing nothing about these conditions or their cause. I also called my mom, Nurse Mary, who reassured me that it was fine, told me to keep my feet elevated, sleep on my left side, avoid salt and drink lots of water.

In the morning, when my ankles were still slightly puffy, I called my OB. She asked if my ankles were tender, which they weren't, or if my entire leg was swollen, which it wasn't. So, she told me, it was nothing to worry about, keep ankles elevated and sleep on the left. She said that swelling is normal in pregnancy, even this early. Tenderness and swelling of the entire leg can be signs of a blood clot, but as I had neither, there was no cause for concern.

The Cankle:


Good news is, the swelling was gone by Sunday, and it hasn't been back. I've been keeping my feet propped up under my desk at work, sleeping on my left side, and drinking lots of water.

Speaking of sleep positions, the pregnancy books and emails say that I should stop sleeping on my back. Even at this point, they say the weight of the uterus can impede blood flow to me and baby. Unfortunately, I happen to be a back sleeper, so this has been a bit of an adjustment. I wake up throughout the night, realize I've rolled onto my back and freak out because I'M ALREADY A TERRIBLE MOTHER!

And then I roll over and go back to sleep.