What have we done?

A local radio station has been raising money for the children's hospital in town, and all last week they told stories of kids battling various illnesses and diseases. Things that no child should have to go through, and things that I could barely stand to hear. I'd listen for a minute, and then change the station when my eyes flooded with tears, because crying and driving is not a safe combination. But with every brief segment I heard, I thought, what's to say this won't be me in a few years? What's to say that the story won't be about my child? My little one. My baby.

I have realized that choosing to have a child is probably the biggest risk I have ever taken in my life, and I do not like to take risks. For college, I went to the university here in town because I received a full scholarship, and I would have had to go into debt to study elsewhere. And then, I had an opportunity to spend a year studying at a different college, in any state of my choice really, including Hawaii and California, and I chose not to. Because I'd have to quit my job and move away from home and leave my boyfriend (the one I eventually broke up with) and take financial risks like I'd never taken before. And now, every college student I speak to, I'm like, "If you have a chance to study abroad, or in some other state, or in the next town over, by all means, TAKE IT." Because I have lived in Louisville, Kentucky my whole life and I doubt I will ever live anywhere else. I'm okay with that, because my family is here, my friends are here, and I met my husband here. But I had a chance to live a year somewhere else, and what an experience that might have been.

I never really thought of having a baby as a risk. Not until recently. And the hardest part about this realization is that I am not the one most affected by this risk. No, it is my innocent child, the one that we have chosen to bring into this world. This world of disease, illness, syndromes, disorders, deformity, car accidents, freak accidents, natural disasters, drugs, rape, murder, violence, hatred, discrimination, ridicule, bruised knees and broken hearts. Try as hard as I might, I will not be able to protect my little one from all of those things. And I think, what have I done?

I still do not regret our decision to have this baby. But is that selfish? Selfish because I will have my baby, the child I so desperately wanted, but cannot protect? I mean, you think, "That won't happen to me." But it does happen to someone. Every day.

The Ultrasound is just two days away, and I can't help but think of these things. But I cannot live my life in fear. I have friends who have been through tough situations with their kiddos, and not one has ever wished they could go back and choose not to have their child. I will love my little one and do everything in my power to protect him or her. And I will pray. And cherish every second. And yes, it is a risk, but the reward will be great.