Seeing Double

It's like I'm living a double life. There is Public Me. The Me that goes to work and meets a friend for dinner later. Me who goes to the gym, goes to the grocery, goes to that meeting and then that social function. That Me has had a very busy few weeks, and it's not over yet. That Me is also preparing for the coming months, the holiday season and the subsequent public events. With friends, and family in five states, there will be lots of traveling, lots of get-togethers, lots of eating and drinking, laughing and sharing. And all the while, the Private Me will be blogging and twittering, whenever I can steal away for an hour.

There are a select few that know about both Public and Private Me. But most acquaintances and co-workers only know of the former, and would be quite surprised to learn of the latter. Just the other day, I was trying to explain Twitter to an non-twitterer, and I couldn't really say that I'm mommyland, that I twitter about my journey to parenthood, that I've been able to connect with lots of other women on the same journey, and that I've got like, two hundred and seventy something followers. No, Public Me was talking. And so I just gave some vague overview of Twitter, and how it's great for connecting with people with similar interests and hobbies. And with so many celebrities and media outlets on Twitter, it's also become a sort of news source. And so on and so forth.

Even though Private Me exists, Public Me must still carry on. Life does not stop so that you can focus on making a baby. There are still bills to pay and work to be done. It's been ten months now, and life just keeps going. I realize I'm getting closer and closer to that "12-Month Mark" when I can officially say that I'm battling infertility. What is that anyway? So even if you know you're not ovulating, you're not really diagnosed with infertility until you've been trying one year? And by the way, if you Google "infertility" - the physical symptom is "the inability to become pregnant." Other symptoms include "a range of painful emotions in one or both members of the couple." Really!?

So I'm here, day four of Clomid round three. Hoping the extra 50mg don't kill me. Hoping I never make it to the 12-Month Mark. Hoping that my progesterone level is a billion this time. But the reality is, this could be just the beginning. This could be a much longer journey and I might just be living this double life for a while longer.

Attention iPhone Users

Not that you'd ever want to, but if you did, you can now add a custom mommyland icon right to the home screen of your iPhone. That's right. You can travel directly to mommyland with one simple touch. I tell you this not because I think you'll actually add me to your home screen, but because I'm right proud of myself for figuring out how to set this up. ALL ON MY OWN! Like, created the image, did the divShare thing and updated the HTML. ON MY OWN.

If you're curious, this is how one would go about adding the mommyland icon to an iPhone home screen.

1. Go to www.mommyland.net from the Safari browser.

2. Click on the "+" located at the bottom of your screen.

3. Select Add to Home Screen (the middle option):

4. Look for the mommyland icon. Can you spot it here?

PS: Did I mention, I figured out how to do this ALL ON MY OWN!

PPS: The ESPN app is for my husband.

PPPS: I also learned how to take a picture of my screen. Now I just need to figure out how to get the phone to pay my bills and clean my house.

Spinach Quiche, Sans Crust & Toxic Chemicals

1 tablespoon EVOO
1 small onion, chopped
1 package fresh ORGANIC spinach (frozen is okay too)
5 ORGANIC eggs beaten
1 cup ORGANIC whole-milk ricotta (or any kind of full-fat cheese, really)
salt/pepper

1. Heat oven to 350 degrees, and grease a 9 in pie pan.
2. Heat oil in a skillet over medium heat. Add onions and cook until soft. Then add spinach, and cook until wilted (if using fresh) or until moisture has evaporated (if using frozen).
3. Meanwhile, combine eggs, cheese, and seasoning in a large bowl. Add onion/spinach mixture. Stir and pour into pie pan.
4. Bake about 30 minutes and allow 10 minutes to cool.

Make it your own: add sautéed mushrooms or ORGANIC green or red pepper or ORGANIC italian sausage. Try adding some crushed red pepper flakes, or some other seasoning.

Bon appétit!

PS: Some ingredients are specified organic because I'm doing this organic thing, based on this article.

STILL waiting

So, my OB still hasn't called to discuss the results of my blood work, and what the next steps are, and I mean, I know that there's nothing we can do right now, but I like to know the plan, you know? I'm a planner and I NEED A PLAN. WHAT IS THE PLAN?

I'm trying to be patient, I'm sure someone will call when the doctor has a chance to review my file. And they better have a good excuse for her too, like she had 29 women go into labor in the past five days. Because I think that's the only excuse I'll accept. What else could possibly have kept her from reviewing my file for FIVE DAYS???

To make up for it, I'll tell her she can send one of these organic gifts, from The Baby Bunch, which were apparently featured on Martha Stewart. And if Martha approves, well, what more do you need to know?

Are we there yet?

I keep thinking that the end of this road is just around the corner. That just around the corner, I'll find myself turning onto a road that leads directly to mommyland.

In the beginning, I thought this part of the journey would be short. Like, "I'll just have to stop for lunch and a potty break" short. But months one, two and three went by, with no end in site. Then, there was that month I stocked up on tampons, thinking that then, I probably wouldn't need them for a while. And when I began blogging for Conceive, I was sure I would find myself expecting. It just made sense, like when I bought 18 boxes of tampons, when I decided to start sharing my journey openly, certainly then I'd find the journey ending. Because life is ironic like that.

But even with the tampons and the blogging, I'm still on this road. And now it's apparent that I'll be on this road for a while longer. At least now I have "sperm-friendly" lubricant, so if my body ever decides to cooperate, there will be nothing keeping his sperm from my egg. That's another one, I thought for sure when I spent $16.55 on Pre-Seed, I'd find I no longer had a need for such a product. I was wrong.

Just like I was wrong when I thought after the first month of Clomid, we'd realize there really was no issue. Like when you're little and you complain of a sore throat to go home early, and they test you for strep and the results are negative. I expected my progesterone level to be normal. I thought, this must be all in my head. It's just taking a little longer to conceive. They're going to realize that I'm faking it, my body is functioning perfectly. But I was wrong.

I haven't spoken with my doctor yet, but I know that my progesterone level was 5.5 this month, after Clomid round 2 (100mg). I've read lots of different things about what this means, and the general consensus is that I am not pregnant. It seems that even if I did ovulate, the conditions still weren't conducive to conception. So, the journey continues.


PS: Oh, and I thought after month one of Clomid, I'd end up with triplets or octuplets or something. Because, really, I was probably fully fertile.

Not even close.

Hoping

Tomorrow I should know if there's a chance. But I've been Google-ing "CD21 progesterone level" and "progesterone and ovulation" and apparently ovulation can result in a progesterone level anywhere from negative 28 to 105. No really, I've read that a 2 can indicate ovulation, a 6 means you didn't ovulate, a 10 means you did (but you want to be at a 15 on Clomid) and a 4.5 means you're going to grow a third nipple.

I won't be able to speak with my doctor until Monday, but I'm hoping that if I call the lab every fifteen minutes tomorrow, they'll eventually just give me the results of my blood work. I'm just not sure what I'll do with the results. I'm hoping that my progesterone level is either extremely low or extremely high so I'll have some clue as to what it means. I'm hoping, REALLY hoping that it's extremely high. I'm hoping, so I'll be able to keep on hoping for two lines on the pee-stick this time.

The Cotton Anniversary

Yesterday, my husband and I celebrated our second wedding anniversary. It feels more like two weeks, rather than two years. And we've been together for almost four years now. I'm always surprised when I think of something that happened "forever ago" and then I realize that John was already in my life. We're becoming more "us" than him and me. And I like it.

I love you, John. Happy Anniversary.





PS: We actually did not exchange cotton gifts for our second anniversary. We exchanged cards with sweet love notes, and he gave me foot creme, for when he rubs my feet. I know, he's wonderful.

Thinking

I hope no one notices that I'm eating a "Bellybar." Because if they actually know what a Bellybar is, (the stork on the package might give it away), then they'll think I'm pregnant, and I'm not. Well, I mean I could be, but I don't know yet.

Salmon Orzo Salad with Baby(making) Spinach

This is one of my favorite recipes. It's healthy AND it's pretty to look at. It also contains lots of fertility-boosting ingredients like salmon, olive oil, and full-fat cheese (for the healthy fats), spinach (for the iron & folate) and red pepper (for the antioxidants).

1/2 c. uncooked orzo pasta
12 oz. salmon (wild Alaskan is best, they say)
salt, pepper
2 c. torn, fresh baby spinach (regular spinach is fine too)
1 red pepper, diced
1/2 c. green onions, chopped
1/2 c. crumbled full-fat feta (try basil & tomato feta)
lemon juice
EVOO

1. Cook pasta according to directions on the box. Drain, and set aside.
2. Sprinkle salmon with salt and pepper and broil until done (about 10 minutes, when flakes easily with fork). Allow to cool and then tear into bite-sized pieces.
3. Combine pasta, salmon, spinach, red pepper, onions and feta cheese. Toss with a little lemon juice and EVOO. Serve warm or chilled.

Make it your own: try different seasonings with the salmon. Add diced cherry tomatoes instead of red pepper (lycopene, found in tomatoes, is another fertility-booster). Experiment with seasoned feta, or a vinaigrette dressing (although dressing will add fat and calories of course).

Bon appétit!

Thinking

No, I CANNOT go to New York this week for that all-expenses paid, boutique hotel in Times Square, Broadway show and dinner with clients, business trip. (Unless my husband can come too. This is my fertile week.)

I can't tell you why I can't take ibuprofen for my headache, it's a secret. And no, it's not that I'm pregnant. (Well, I don't actually know.)

You want sushi for lunch? Really? Ummm, I'm not really in the mood for sushi.