four (almost five) months

A few months after we were married, the husband and I thought we were pregnant. When I asked him what we would do, he said, "Get married, buy a house, get good jobs, and have a baby." Yes, we were already married, we had owned a house for 9 months, and we both had steady jobs making decent money. Point being, ours wasn't the worst situation for a baby. Okay, the husband was right (of course). As it turned out though, we weren't pregnant, and there was really no need to worry about such things. But a little while later, when the shocking fear of impending disaster had dissipated, we found ourselves wishing that we had in fact, been pregnant after all.

You see, deciding to make a baby is a big deal. It's a HUGE decision, one that shouldn't be taken lightly. It's something so life-changing that one might never decide to step out on that ledge unless prompted, or pregnant by accident. So, when the husband and I decided four (almost five) months ago to start trying for a baby, I was ready. I had made up my mind and I totally expected to be pregnant immediately. Well, unfortunately for my Type A personality, that's not how it works. And four (almost five) months later, I'm still not pregnant.

So now I REALLY wish we'd become pregnant accidentally. In fact, if I'd thought about it, I should have started forgetting to take my birth control months ago. Because now, I'm living with Preconception Hypochondriasis, time has slowed to a snail's pace, and I have to avoid sushi, wine, cherry coke zero and cold medicine -- with no real incentive. When I know for a fact that I'm pregnant, I think it will be easy to avoid all of these "do not consume when pregnant or breast-feeding" items. But until then, every month that I suffer through a cold without medicine, only to find out that I'm not pregnant, is torture! And then of course, when I am sick, everyone suggests all of the medicines that I can't take, and I really can't explain why I'm not taking them without giving away my little secret -- which is really just that we're TRYING, not that we're ACTUALLY PREGNANT.

Oh, and I've had like three colds in the last four (almost five) months.

Dear Baby

Although you are only in my heart just now, I want you to know that I already love you. I am trying to be patient, but I just can't wait for you to join our little family. I can't wait to feel you growing and moving in my belly. I can't wait to carry you until you're ready to come out, and then kiss your tiny cheeks when you do. I want you to know how much I want you and how much I look forward to meeting you. I thank God for you. And I will love you always.

Love,
Mama

57 days

Well, apparently I'm on a 57 day cycle now. At least, it was 57 days this time -- I started my period 4 weeks late (later than I thought I would, that is). Bad news is, I'm not pregnant. And now I'm having irregular periods. Good news is, I AM ovulating and my body is at least functioning. Since my body has decided to go wild and ignore any normal schedule, I've decided I'll start charting my basal body temperature to help predict ovulation. Wish me luck.