It's like I'm living a double life. There is Public Me. The Me that goes to work and meets a friend for dinner later. Me who goes to the gym, goes to the grocery, goes to that meeting and then that social function. That Me has had a very busy few weeks, and it's not over yet. That Me is also preparing for the coming months, the holiday season and the subsequent public events. With friends, and family in five states, there will be lots of traveling, lots of get-togethers, lots of eating and drinking, laughing and sharing. And all the while, the Private Me will be blogging and twittering, whenever I can steal away for an hour.
There are a select few that know about both Public and Private Me. But most acquaintances and co-workers only know of the former, and would be quite surprised to learn of the latter. Just the other day, I was trying to explain Twitter to an non-twitterer, and I couldn't really say that I'm mommyland, that I twitter about my journey to parenthood, that I've been able to connect with lots of other women on the same journey, and that I've got like, two hundred and seventy something followers. No, Public Me was talking. And so I just gave some vague overview of Twitter, and how it's great for connecting with people with similar interests and hobbies. And with so many celebrities and media outlets on Twitter, it's also become a sort of news source. And so on and so forth.
Even though Private Me exists, Public Me must still carry on. Life does not stop so that you can focus on making a baby. There are still bills to pay and work to be done. It's been ten months now, and life just keeps going. I realize I'm getting closer and closer to that "12-Month Mark" when I can officially say that I'm battling infertility. What is that anyway? So even if you know you're not ovulating, you're not really diagnosed with infertility until you've been trying one year? And by the way, if you Google "infertility" - the physical symptom is "the inability to become pregnant." Other symptoms include "a range of painful emotions in one or both members of the couple." Really!?
So I'm here, day four of Clomid round three. Hoping the extra 50mg don't kill me. Hoping I never make it to the 12-Month Mark. Hoping that my progesterone level is a billion this time. But the reality is, this could be just the beginning. This could be a much longer journey and I might just be living this double life for a while longer.
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6 comments:
I'm so sorry. This is not on my list of "fun things to do." I seriously thought this was going to be the most fun part of being married - making a baby. Haha. Tonight is day 1, round 4. If I ovulate anywhere near the time period that I did the last two months, then I'll be ovulated, while I'm gone to a women's conference and my hubby is gone on a fishing trip. That's my kind of luck. It just doesn't stop. Been self-diagnosing myself with PCOS these days - had a long talk with the nurse today. Pretty sure I taught her some things that she doesn't know. Are they sure I'm not ready for an RE? Ugh!
I'm still wishing you luck, sweet one.
I understand the public/private, except that my public is a little more private than yours. Sometimes I forget where the line is, where I can talk about OPKs and Clomid and ovulation, etc. and where I'm just a happy-go-lucky, married, career girl.
I was just thinking the same thing last week. I feel like my life is divided because only my mom and sister know we are trying. Around my co-workers, I have to pretend like we are not ready. Makes it complicated with all these Dr. visits and tests.When I decided to blog, I promised DH I wouldn't tell anyone we knew that I was doing it. I have almost said so many times, "One of the blogs I read...."
In reference to your tweet, I SOOO think it's the Clomid. I haven't been caught up on sleep since I started it. I'm having a "come to Jesus" meeting with my doctor tomorrow. I'm over all these meds.
I can so identify with how you are feeling. We have hit the 3 year mark now. I also took 3 rounds of clomid. I did blog about that as well, you are more than welcome to check out how it went for me. My problem is also the ovultaion, I am curious what your progesterone levels are?
I totally feel you! Ugh! We haven't been TTC a long time but I've been blogging about thinking about it for awhile, and unfortunately every now and then someone from work will spot it and it's pretty weird. Oh yea... my boss even asked me about it!
Double lives aren't so fun. I'm praying you can combine the two soon cause you'll be PREGNANT! :)
OK - I had a whole big long comment about Public Me and ttc Public me and it got overwritten when I copied my password to log in to comment. Grrrrr.
The gist was I hate that I can't actually be 100% me and share my other interests with the ttc crew. I do this mostly to protect my Husband, but also because for instance, on twitter my Public me has a bunch of male followers and I'm very very sure that they would not be interested in my CM du jour :)
That said, maybe someday I will combine them - because I'm tired of the split personality thing going on.
I'll be voting shortly - Good Luck!!
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