I've stopped expecting to be expecting.

It's July. Which means we've been trying for seven months. SEVEN MONTHS. The funny thing is, right after we were married, the husband and I used condoms AND birth control, because I was so afraid of getting pregnant. Hilarious.

I realize too, that I'm starting to lose hope. Even last month, I completely expected to be pregnant. From the beginning it's been like, not this month? Oh well, next month. Definitely next month. But here I am, it's been "next month" six times, and I'm still not pregnant. I've stopped looking for symptoms and signs. I've stopped caring about how often we have sex or whether or not I should lay still for 10 minutes after the deed is done. I've stopped expecting to be expecting. And I've started expecting my period every month.

I have to admit, there is still a glimmer of hope. Everyone tells me that when we stop trying, we'll get pregnant. What does that even mean though? Technically, trying to get pregnant means that you're not preventing it. And if we really want to have a baby, we can't exactly go back to using birth control, which means that we'll never really stop trying. Of course, it has a lot to do with your mentality I think. And if you really can stop trying, I think I have. If I do get pregnant this month, I will be genuinely surprised. Almost as surprised as if we weren't even trying. Because we're not.